YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
Yes, that's right.
Officials explained that Rocky Mountain National Park's "elk numbers have escalated because the animals have few predators and no hunting is allowed in the park." Despite near unanimous agreement among park officials that "hunting or a return of the wolves might make sense and save money," as well as "best meet environmental objectives and do the least damage," Park biologist Therese Johnson nonetheless explained to the press that there are contentious disagreements over the best method: "For and against wolves. For and against hunting. And we have heard from people who prefer fertility control to killing the elk."
A 4 year-old wolf identifying herself only as "Beta Female X," spoke to reporters on the Capitol Hill steps. Claiming that she represents The Predators, a notorious Montana wolfpack, she explained, "We've been isolated from our natural hunting grounds for far too long. And now, with the elk population growing out of control, we ask only that your government permit us to return to Rocky Mountain National Park, so we can once again serenade our pups with the melifluous sounds of crunching elk bone and howling at the moon. This injustice must not continuuuuuuuuuuue. Members of Congress, I implore you: Let my wolves go!"
But her howls of protest fell on deaf congressional ears, and the more expensive alternative seems likely to move forward. Park officials told us that congress would likely approve an alternate plan involving "killing up to 700 elk annually for four years. After that, an additional 25 to 150 elk would be culled annually for 16 years."
"Doing something like this is not going to be cheap, for sure," said park Superintendent Vaughn Baker. "But we're talking 20 years." Among the added costs will be hiring extra staff or a contractor to shoot elk, building fences to protect vegetation, transporting carcasses, testing them for disease and processing the meat. At this time, we are unable to confirm rumors that the $18M program will also mandate educational and cultural seminars including, "The Elk & You: Lives in Balance," "How to Shoot an Elk in the Head From 75 Yards," and "Dr. Phil & Tony Robbins Present 'Touching Your Inner Elk.'" A park official insisting on anonymity assured us that an "Anger Management Program for any wolf caught killing an elk is going to pass."