LOVING AMERICA . . . A LITTLE TOO MUCH

AP reports that the Florida GOP has announced that Joe Negron will replace Mark Foley on the November ballot, in an effort to hold the disgraced representative's seat.

Negron admits that Foley's shoes will be tough to fill, but he vows to do all he can to both live up to Foley's legacy and surpass his accomplishments:

"Alcohol-fueled pedophila is a tall order, and no one could do that like Mark. I have to reach for my own identity. Therefore, I will snort blow off the naked breasts of a Congressional page before sending lewd and suggestive text messages to Barney Frank's pre-pubescent cat, Max. I also plan to submit a bill forbidding homosexual marriage as I simultaneously fellate Rick Santorum in the Capitol Building Rotunda in broad daylight. We must continue to give the public what it expects. Scandal & Shame: it's the American way."

Negron's replacement is already in line. Despite the Democrats reluctance to really duke it out this fall, the balance of power in Washington may change nonetheless, as the Republicans seem poised to lose both houses of Congress via scandal-driven resignation.