BREAKING NEWS: "SENATE PASSES SWEEPING IMMIGRATION BILL"

Senate Spokesperson Mel McCovey stood outside the Capitol Building this morning, facing the bleary-eyed press assembled in the morning sun of our nation's capital, "I'm here to announce the near-unanimous passage of the Sweeping Immigration Bill that we've worked on for weeks now," he proudly announced.

"All illegal immigrants that use brooms, attempt to use brooms, have thought occasionally about asking their employers to use brooms, or look like the kind of off-the-books, backroom workers that normal Americans associate with the use of brooms are ok, and will be granted official Non-Citizen Sweeper status, so long as they promise to learn English, pay taxes, and tell their relatives back home to stay put. Everyone else? Go home."

The "Sweeping Immigrant Omnibus Reform Act," contains a number of controversial passages, all of which passed following weeks of contentious debate, bringing to light American's famous tendency to seek distractions from their real troubles, and politicians' willingness to waste time and money responding to these wishes during election years.

Among these hard-fought elements of the Bill is the so-called "Getcher' Broom, Pedro" rider, added at the 11th hour by both Texas Senators, in response to extensive lobbying efforts by Lone Star State restaurant owners, as well as a number of shady Mexican land owners suspected of collecting sizeable "commissions" on the wages of Mexican busboys and dishwashers who have wives and children back home.

McCovey explained to the press what the Bill means for illegal immigrants not falling under the four sweeping requirements he outlined earlier: "Allow me to outline for you, in simple terms for those who don't 'speekee thee Eengleesh': if you don't use a broom, get the hell out! Use a mop? No. Drive a limo? Drive it over the border. Load ships? Load yourself and set sail. This is America, amigo. And if you don't use a broom, it's time to leave the room."

Responding to a reporter's questions, suggesting that these measures were not only racially loaded, but rather draconian as well as grossly shortsighted, McCovey said only, "Yeah, you're probably right on that one."

No word came directly from the White House, but White House Press Secretary Tony Snow offered the following canned remark: "The President assures Americans and Sweeping Immigrants that this Bill will make America safe from the terrorists. Keep buying, keep hiring sweeping immigrants, and God Bless America."

A few reporters asked McCovey if he could explain the significance of the broom, as opposed to other tools Americans associate with immigrant labor, such as burlap sacks for migrant farmers, heroin-filled condoms for drug mules, or bicycles with large chains for urban food deliver boys.

"Those are good questions," McCovey admitted. "But I'll tell you that after a couple months of spending millions of dollars of tax-payer money on focus groups, independent research, as well as rigged research, we've concluded without any doubts we'll admit to, that most Americans can accept a Mexican or Chinese guy sweeping floors covered in animal waste, rotting vegetable matter or cancer-causing dusts and resins. Let's face it, no normal Americans want those jobs anyway. But migrant farming and bicycle food delivery, for example, involve outdoor work, fresh air, sunshine. The American people just aren't willing to let short, dark people who talk funny have those plum jobs. What can I tell you?"

Asked about heroin-filled condoms, McCovey simply said, "Heroin and birth control are sensitive subjects, and may have national security implications. That's a matter for the Department of Homeland Security. C'mon, you guys know that."

Hillary Clinton, peppered with questions as she walked down the Capitol Hill steps said she voted for the Bill for "one reason & one reason only: these immigrants don't vote. Hill in '08!"

Rick Santorum, on the other hand, explained his decision by noting that, "We have determined that illegal immigrants overwhelmingly support gay marriage, abortion, atheism, Al Qaeda, free speech, gay marriage, abortion, and Al Qaeda, not to mention other anti-American concepts such as gay marriage and abortion. This measure will protect the American family. God bless America."

Asked about the potential effects of the Bill on the economy, none of the 100 Senators claimed to understand the question.

Finally, about an hour after McCovey ended the Q&A session, Juan Rodriguez and Chang Min-Shao spoke briefly to us, while sweeping the steps of the Capitol Building.

"Who know what this mean," Chang said, using an official Congressional push-broom estimated to cost $450,000. "I just want sweep and make paid. Why they no leave me alone?"

Rodriguez paused from his work with his smaller Congressional pull-broom and dustpan, together costing $1.1M, to explain, "It's bullshit, man. You think some lazy American teenager's gonna ride his bike through the city to deliver take-out Thai noodles. Nothing's gonna change, no matter what that chingado cabron told you guys."