VINDOWS UBER ALLES

This A.P. piece details Microsoft's latest test releases, Windows Vista for desktop computers, Windows for servers and the Office business software suite.

Unfortunately, the technology press continues to ignore the software giant's revolutionary plan to simultaneously release its new operating system, the cutting edge virus that disables its functionality, as well as versions one and two of the security patch needed to remedy the problem, in one single purchase Software Suite.

"Microsoft's release of 'Windows Up Yours' will represent the single greatest advance in American manufacturing know-how since Henry Ford developed the assembly line," Tim Howard of the Virtual Industry Release Understanding Society told us yesterday. "While Microsoft has long been known among tech insiders as the leader in security glitches & e-mail worms, the two-to-three week delays before the endless releases & re-releases of security patches has made them a virtual laughing stock (no pun intended) in America and abroad."

Willem DeKuylnvaulk, 28, a member of the Mac Owning Anti-Windows Society as well as the European Open Source Spartacist's League in Brussels, informed us not only that he's a virgin, but also that "Microsoft sucks."

Bill Gates declined to comment on the matter, and in fact denied the existance of the rumored software product altogether. Nonetheless, he did tell our reporter, "But, you tell that Mike guy that's a helluva blog he's got there. Melinda and I read him every day. We especially like the satirical pieces about the federal government. Tell him to keep up the good work," before giving him about $500 worth of MS's latest software upgrades, "to keep the web page humming along." Unsurprisingly, the tough questions ceased. The reporter didn't ask Gates, however, to autograph the box.

Idiot.