"FIRST LADY" ISN'T MENTIONED IN THE CONSTITUTION, IS IT?

In a stunning political speech, disguised as a commencement address, First Lady Laura Bush set a new world record, covering the teetering economy, unemployment, higher education woes, hurricane relief, and the phony charity of her husband's fundamentalist base, in one sweeping mandate to Vanderbilt University's graduating class: volunteer in Gulf Coast rebuilding efforts, as well as anywhere in the world there's a need. This speech, which can be reduced to its core message, "Good luck finding a job that'll pay your bills, boys & girls," demands a closer look. Shall we?

"It doesn't matter what career you're pursuing," Laura told the bright-faced graduates as they prepared to embark on a lifetime journey saddled with student debt, "before you start a new job or go to grad school, dedicate a vacation to recovery. It will be time well spent." According to my personal mind-reader, Lola the Gypsy, Mrs. Bush also thought to herself, "and the rest of your spending will go straight onto your credit cards."

The First Lady acknowledged the efforts of students who have already traveled to the Gulf Coast region, and then cracked wise with a series of Mike Brown and FEMA jokes. The official White House transcript redacted these humorous interludes, but first hand reports say that her best zinger included the phrase "You're doin' a heckuva job" and the word "blow."

"If your compass remains fixed on others," Mrs. Bush told the young folks, reading from a short statement prepared by her husband, "you will chart your way to happiness." The students responded to this line with polite applause, but witnesses assure us that no one understood what the hell she was talking about.

And finally, Laura ended by telling everyone that "she couldn't remember the commencement speaker from her own graduation at the University of Texas at Austin in 1973, when she received her master's degree in library science," because she spent the entire ceremony swiggin' from a flask of bourbon with her future husband. Lola tells me that wasn't the only partaking going on either.

And yes, that part about her degree was in the actual speech. She really did say "Library Science."