SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEARS

Proving yet again that no people on earth are better suited to shoot and kill strangers in their midst, A.P. reports that German authorities killed a "fugitive bear," that had wandered into the Fatherland from Italy. Bruno, as he was dubbed, "ambled into Germany last month, becoming the first wild bear seen in the country since 1835." Despite harming no humans, killing only "sheep and rabbits and loot[ing] beehives for honey," Bruno was seen as a threat because "he came near homes and appeared to have lost his fear of people." And being Germans, officials of his new chosen country had no choice but to eliminate him.

Joern Ehlers, spokesman for the World Wildlife Fund in Germany, told us he regretted killing the bear, but conceded the outcome was expected. "Unfortunately this was to be foreseen," Ehlers said. "He found his way into our hearts, although the danger also had to be seen. Bears, while often loveable and entertaining, don't possess pure Aryan blood. Much though we were moved by such an independent-minded bear choosing us over the swarthy Mediterraneans of Italy, of course we could risk weakening the collective will & spirit of the greater German Volk."

"You see," said Gerhardt Hundtbahnstrasse, Minister of Immigration, Assimilation & Miscegenation for the German Republic, "We've been accused of racism directed towards Muslim, Turkish, African & South Asian immigrants lately. Not to mention everyone always bringing up our great sacrifice, that of losing a war in order to eliminate the scourge of European Jewry. Well this proves that we single out no particular group. Jews, Muslims, smelly pig-people, bears, we don't care. If you're not pure-blooded German, we don't want you."

"I did not vant to kill the bayer," Friedrich Sheinerheimer, believed to have fired the fatal shot, told us, "but I vuz following orders."

Finally, Claudia von Schweikdossler, 23, wearing the colors of the German flag on every inch of her body, told us, "I don't care about the bear. But when we win the World Cup, we'll once again demonstrate German superiority to everyone."