ELEPHANTS & JACKASSES ON PARADE

So what's the rumpus? Well, in addition to events of real importance, like Peyton Manning heaving the monkey from his back (and onto Handsome Tom's well-coiffed head), or the mind-blowing collection of fried food I shoveled into my mouth while watching said monkey-toss, we have the usual collection of happenings, occurences, and goings-on from the nation's capital.

Hillary is "In It To Win It," or so I've read. And I didn't even realize she'd hired Jesse Jackson's speechwriter.

As anyone who's cruised by here for even a brief scan of my prattlings & ravings knows, my hatred of that opportunistic grifter knows no bounds. Just like her impossibly overrated husband, she's a two-bit, Little Rock scam-artist beneath the pompous exterior. I'd say she'd sell her soul for a vote, but that implies she has one to peddle off. Even more than most politicians, her craven desire for personal power has no limit.

And as to what she's actually done -- rather than said -- through the years, she's a DLCer, through-and-through: a Democrat committed to slowly push the nation rightward, in an effort to win the votes of those with whom she ostensibly shares no views or ideology. Support for the Iraq War, constant lip-service to "traditional values" and such, silence on the Patriot Act & Military Commissions Act (or whatever it's called).

She sucks. I hope she loses, and loses badly.

And . . . as if we needed more humor & excitement, tonight The President faces the nation!

Which responds by spitting in his face! I can't even imagine the wheelbarrow of horseshit he'll roll out onto the House floor tonight, and I can't say I much care. But what does interest me a bit, is the reaction he'll get from the 535 in the audience. For 5 years now, we've watched him face the nation with Fat Denny over his shoulder, and a rogues gallery of Abramoff-payees & assorted sycophants standing & cheering every time he said the words "God," "Iraq," "Terror," or "Security." (And who failed to boo, hiss, & laugh when he said "nuke-ular.")

Well this time he'll have The Wicked Witch of the West behind him (no, not Hillary, she's from the East. And I'm referring to Nancy from the perspective of her political foes, not allies, supporters, or curious onlookers). And the audience will not be composed of a majority of his supporters. While I expect no razzing or rotten fruit tossing, neither do I expect a standing-o the first time he says, "America is the hope for the world," or some other line straight out of a Fox-produced propaganda film.

Anyhow, in honor of America's real January pastimes -- football & gambling -- let's play a game, shall we? Let's do an over/under for the following words & phrases in tonight's address. I'll put my picks next to the words & phrases, and all who want to win the Super Prize™ that I'm offering, just drop your answers in the comments. Tomorrow I'll announce the winner, and promise to give him or her the Super Prize™ (the one I'll never actually send). Here we go:

God -- 1. He didn't say it at all in his "Special Address" a couple weeks ago. I think he'll say it at the end, in a "God Bless America," sign-off, but that's it.

Terror/Terrorist/Terrorism -- 14.

Security/Safety -- 9.

Iraq (pronounced Eye-rack) -- 21

Iran (pronounced Eye-ran) -- 4

Syria -- 2

North Korea -- 2

Pakistan (the place where Osama bin Laden lives, presumably) -- 0

Same-Sex Marriage -- 0 (it's been a tough year, so no controversy, methinks)

Two men exchanging blow-jobs -- 0 (see above).

16 Year-old boy giving a blowjob to a Congressman -- 0. Unless Mark Foley decides to attend, and then 1.

Two men exchanging erotic massages & a meth pipe -- 0, unless he decides to make a shameless play to his "base," and then it'll be 4.

Hillary -- 0. Unless she bum-rushes the podium and announces, "I'm Hillary fuckin' Clinton, bitchez, and this is gonna be My Country. I don't care what Mellencamp says." And in that case, I'll predict 12.