WOULD YOU ACT ANY DIFFERENTLY UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES?

No, that's not Nick Nolte to the left, that's USN Captain Lisa Nowak of Houston, an astronaut who actually flew on a Space Shuttle mission last July. And why is she appearing in embarrassing mug shots across the newspages of America's home computers?

Well, let's just say this picture may end up being the least embarrassing thing in her life the past few days. Seems that Capt. Nowak has been charged with attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence, and battery in a caper involving love triangles, unrequited affections, deep space affairs, and Depends undergarments. Confused? Me too, but let's take a closer look, shall we?

* According to Capt. Nowak, she and fellow Space Shuttle astronaut, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, shared an involvement which was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship."

Uhhh, isn't that called "friends"? Not quite! I've studied Crazy Spurned LoverSpeak, so I can translate: Oefelein knew Nowak wanted his deep space bones, but rejected her advances, leaving her as little more than a space suit-wearing stalker in his life. Even though we've gotta assume these flyboys experience that sort of thing all the time, a triangle has three points, so there's more:

* Capt. Nowak believed Colleen Shipman was romantically involved with Cmdr. Oefelein, and when she heard that Shipman was flying from Houston to Orlando she sprung into action.

And what'd she do? Why the only thing she could:

* Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando -- wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate -- so she could confront Shipman.

I'm guessing that after driving 900 miles wearing diapers to confront a woman you've never met because you heard she was having an affair with the man you're obsessed with . . . well, there's little else to do to complete the spiral at that point. And Nowak did not disappoint:

* Sporting a wig and a trench coat, Nowak followed Shipman onto an airport bus to the parking lot.

After following Shipman to her car, the sordid tale finally took the direction we'd expect:

* Nowak first knocked on Shipman's window, tried to open the car door, and asked for a ride. Shipman refused, but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying. Nowak responded by spraying a chemical into the car.

Nowak claims she merely wanted to talk to Shipman, to understand the nature of her relationship with the popular Oefelein. Now I'll admit I often open conversations with complete strangers by spraying chemicals into their eyes, but I'm a New Yorker and you know how rude we tend to be. I'm not sure that's how they do it in Orlando.

And, of course, the following items Novak was carrying ain't gonna help her case either:

* a wig, a BB gun, a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600, and garbage bags inside another bag.

And come to think of it, I don't think the prosecuting attorney is planning to suppress the rest of the evidence cops discovered in Nowak's car at a nearby motel:

* a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves, an opened package for a buck knife, e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein, a letter "that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein," Shipman's home address, and hand written directions to the address.

Ouch. NASA, baby! America's best & brightest.

And as if this whole tale wasn't bizarre & depressing enough, Novak is "married with three children." Anyone know a good therapist in the Houston area? Better schedule three different time slots for the next 10 years.