IS THAT ELVIS IN THAT CELL?
The Pentagon has finally agreed to release the names of those detained at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility, the formal name for the Cuban shithole known internationally as Gitmo. Strange how our own Stalag 17 would be located on the very island we've boycotted in the name of "Freedom" for nearly 50 years.
But I digress.
In a somewhat unsurprising development, experts in the study of long-hidden lists of long-hidden detainees, known in their field as Detainators, have declared that, "none of the most notorious terrorist suspects was included in the list, raising questions about their whereabouts."
Raising questions, indeed. Such as "were they ever captured in the first place?" "did our troops ever seek them out in Afghanistan in the first place?" and most notably, "did they ever exist in the first place?"
What's most fascinating, though, are the names on the list. Like the parade of lost souls decending from the mothership in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," we've rediscovered a world long gone.
Let's take a look:
Al Gore -- Wondering where that wacky, internet-inventing, environmentalism-praising, election-blowing man of wood has ended up? Gitmo, baby. Apparently, Al went to Afghanistan in early 2002, "to monitor an humanitarian mission," the former Presidential candidate told us. "But, due my uncharacteristically shaggy appearence, with my beard and all, they mistook me for an Islamic Radical." Responding to press inquiries as to how a man of his stature could languish in a detention center for four years , the ex-Senator, who incredibly lost his home state in the 2000 Presidential election, blamed it on Ralph Nader.
Ricky Martin -- the man who helped all of us to live the Vida Loca back in his golden days of '99, has turned up afterall, hidden among the Al Qaedists at Gitmo. "I'm not Cuban, it's not what you think," the British-born former member of the Puerto Rican boy band, Menudo, told us. "I really believe in my personal jihad against America and its excesses. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kneel in prayer . . . but I do it in a 'dancy, sexy' kinda way."
Vin Diesel -- Everyone's favorite bald action hero, missing without a trace since . . . well, since a long time ago, has also turned up, sharing a 12'x6' cage with Ahmeed ibn Jhalfrazi, one of Osama bin Laden's famous "trusted lieutenants," and the following man . . .
Gary Condit -- A regular on the front pages of the tabloids during that Last Summer of 2001 (along with U.S. planes crash-landed in China), the former Congressman and probable intern murderer is the only one of over 700 detainees who issued an official quotation: "Feeling betrayed by my country, I decided to join the fight against western imperialism and the decadence of the Great Satan. But I was wrong. Please forgive me. And get me out of this cage with the Diesel guy. He keeps talking about his 'movies.' His 'movies'? You're telling me this bald guy with that voice is an actor. Now I was a congressman, and . . . ."
The United States Constitution -- Missing for so long now it's become but a rumor in the minds of schoolchildren, the tattered document apparently has been held in cell 105, a 4'x7' cage, with two other detainees: Louie Albigenci, a former Cosa Nostra cappo who ran to Kandahar, joining Al Qaeda to escape from other mobsters he flipped to the government; and Ishar's Gold Leaf Koran, an artfully designed, 12 year-old version of the Muslim Holy Text. Choosing to remain in Gitmo after its rightful owner, Ishar al Bhatti, converted to Christianity and became a sadistic guard, known for his facility with electrical wire and meat thermometers, his Koran remains predictably bitter: "Fuck that traitorous bastard, Allah be willing" the Koran told us, vanely flipping back and forth to a beautifully decorated Sura 17 in his midsection, "While he's denouncing the Prophet, I'm getting flushed down the toilet, I'm read-aloud in a really bad Arabic accent by this Louie guy, and now, to top it all off, praise Allah, I gotta share space with this smelly & torn Zionist stooge over here," as he gestured to the Constitution.
The Constitution had no comment, upon questioning, telling us that to speak would be anti-American, and amount to "support for the terrorists."
But I digress.
In a somewhat unsurprising development, experts in the study of long-hidden lists of long-hidden detainees, known in their field as Detainators, have declared that, "none of the most notorious terrorist suspects was included in the list, raising questions about their whereabouts."
Raising questions, indeed. Such as "were they ever captured in the first place?" "did our troops ever seek them out in Afghanistan in the first place?" and most notably, "did they ever exist in the first place?"
What's most fascinating, though, are the names on the list. Like the parade of lost souls decending from the mothership in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind," we've rediscovered a world long gone.
Let's take a look:
Al Gore -- Wondering where that wacky, internet-inventing, environmentalism-praising, election-blowing man of wood has ended up? Gitmo, baby. Apparently, Al went to Afghanistan in early 2002, "to monitor an humanitarian mission," the former Presidential candidate told us. "But, due my uncharacteristically shaggy appearence, with my beard and all, they mistook me for an Islamic Radical." Responding to press inquiries as to how a man of his stature could languish in a detention center for four years , the ex-Senator, who incredibly lost his home state in the 2000 Presidential election, blamed it on Ralph Nader.
Ricky Martin -- the man who helped all of us to live the Vida Loca back in his golden days of '99, has turned up afterall, hidden among the Al Qaedists at Gitmo. "I'm not Cuban, it's not what you think," the British-born former member of the Puerto Rican boy band, Menudo, told us. "I really believe in my personal jihad against America and its excesses. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to kneel in prayer . . . but I do it in a 'dancy, sexy' kinda way."
Vin Diesel -- Everyone's favorite bald action hero, missing without a trace since . . . well, since a long time ago, has also turned up, sharing a 12'x6' cage with Ahmeed ibn Jhalfrazi, one of Osama bin Laden's famous "trusted lieutenants," and the following man . . .
Gary Condit -- A regular on the front pages of the tabloids during that Last Summer of 2001 (along with U.S. planes crash-landed in China), the former Congressman and probable intern murderer is the only one of over 700 detainees who issued an official quotation: "Feeling betrayed by my country, I decided to join the fight against western imperialism and the decadence of the Great Satan. But I was wrong. Please forgive me. And get me out of this cage with the Diesel guy. He keeps talking about his 'movies.' His 'movies'? You're telling me this bald guy with that voice is an actor. Now I was a congressman, and . . . ."
The United States Constitution -- Missing for so long now it's become but a rumor in the minds of schoolchildren, the tattered document apparently has been held in cell 105, a 4'x7' cage, with two other detainees: Louie Albigenci, a former Cosa Nostra cappo who ran to Kandahar, joining Al Qaeda to escape from other mobsters he flipped to the government; and Ishar's Gold Leaf Koran, an artfully designed, 12 year-old version of the Muslim Holy Text. Choosing to remain in Gitmo after its rightful owner, Ishar al Bhatti, converted to Christianity and became a sadistic guard, known for his facility with electrical wire and meat thermometers, his Koran remains predictably bitter: "Fuck that traitorous bastard, Allah be willing" the Koran told us, vanely flipping back and forth to a beautifully decorated Sura 17 in his midsection, "While he's denouncing the Prophet, I'm getting flushed down the toilet, I'm read-aloud in a really bad Arabic accent by this Louie guy, and now, to top it all off, praise Allah, I gotta share space with this smelly & torn Zionist stooge over here," as he gestured to the Constitution.
The Constitution had no comment, upon questioning, telling us that to speak would be anti-American, and amount to "support for the terrorists."
posted by Mike at 8:05 PM
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