CHOO-CHOO COLEMAN SIGNED AS ANNOUNCER, BUB
The Boys are simply kicking ass. Not much more to say; big series versus the Phils. A chance to really lay down the hammer and build a huge lead as Round II of interleague play begins. Anyway, the blogosphere's been filled with this-and-that about the Mets, so I'll keep it short & totally off topic.
In fact, I'll only discuss one thing: with Gary Cohen sidelined, and Keith taking one of his patented weeks off, I need something to get me through these games without pulling my hair out. Howie & Ronny & Cotter, oh my . . .
So, without any further ado, my top-ten choices for a new announcer to get us through Gary & Keith's return:
1. Willie Randolph: We all spend so much time questioning his moves, why not put him in the booth and let him explain his moves as he makes them. "Well, you see, I'm the manager and I know more than you do, so I'm bringing Sanchez in to face 4 straight lefties in the 4th inning because . . ."
2. Shakira: She speaks Spanish, so perhaps she can read Delgado, Reyes and Beltran's lips as they chat at first base with other Latin players. Plus, she smokin hot which is reason enough.
3. Lastings Milledge: We've reached the point where there's little else he can do on the field or in the clubhouse. Having helped Rick Peterson solve Heath Bell's pitching woes, taught Super 'Stache to trim his facial hair, personally engineered the Matsui-Marrero trade, as well as secured his own induction into the Hall of Fame and drafted a speech that invokes Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Darryl Strawberry, Eddie Gaedel & the first three lines of the Gettysburg Address . . . it's time he hits the booth.
4. Bagdad Bob, aka "Comical Ali": Yes, the former Iraqi Minister of Information. The Mets have never really had a true "homer" for an announcer, so it's high time. You can imagine the possibilities: "And Phillie pitcher Cole Hamels realizes the Met line-up is too strong. It's already 5-0 and he's yet to throw a pitch. In his shame and humiliation, Hamels stabs himself on the mound as Reyes enters the batting box."
5. The Guy on those anti-smoking ads they show 10 times a game, the one with the hole in his throat: He-can-talk-in-that-robotic-voice-he-uses-after-he-takes-the-shower. When-he-announces-nothing-will-be-the-same-again. Not-even-the-simple-things.
6. Super 'Stache: Get him in the booth on days he rests. Valentino & Keith in the same booth, swapping grooming tales, discussing their techniques for nights on the town, may never be topped (by the way, check out Willie's 'stache some time. Check it out closely; you'll see what I mean).
7. Len Dykstra: Could this possibly be anything less than completely entertaining? At least for one game.
8. Simon Cowell: "That was the worst swing I've ever seen. If I have to watch one more at-bat by this guy, I just may get sick." And if we're lucky, Darling'll invoke the spirit of '86 and get into a brawl, kicking Simon's ass all over the booth.
9. Bobby Valentine: The only man who accomplished more than Lastings Milledge in his major league career. Between stories about his own brilliance, what he would have done if he were managing, and how amazing and smart he is at everything, Bobby would probably be really informative and extremely honest. So long as he wasn't talking about himself.
Not to mention, if he sports the duct tape and sun glasses get-up, we satisfy the "Maximum Moustaches" thing the Mets are clearly going for this season.
10. Mackey Sasser: Just because. Plus, as an added bonus, think of the fun we'll have watching him struggle to "throw it back to you, Howie."
In fact, I'll only discuss one thing: with Gary Cohen sidelined, and Keith taking one of his patented weeks off, I need something to get me through these games without pulling my hair out. Howie & Ronny & Cotter, oh my . . .
So, without any further ado, my top-ten choices for a new announcer to get us through Gary & Keith's return:
1. Willie Randolph: We all spend so much time questioning his moves, why not put him in the booth and let him explain his moves as he makes them. "Well, you see, I'm the manager and I know more than you do, so I'm bringing Sanchez in to face 4 straight lefties in the 4th inning because . . ."
2. Shakira: She speaks Spanish, so perhaps she can read Delgado, Reyes and Beltran's lips as they chat at first base with other Latin players. Plus, she smokin hot which is reason enough.
3. Lastings Milledge: We've reached the point where there's little else he can do on the field or in the clubhouse. Having helped Rick Peterson solve Heath Bell's pitching woes, taught Super 'Stache to trim his facial hair, personally engineered the Matsui-Marrero trade, as well as secured his own induction into the Hall of Fame and drafted a speech that invokes Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Darryl Strawberry, Eddie Gaedel & the first three lines of the Gettysburg Address . . . it's time he hits the booth.
4. Bagdad Bob, aka "Comical Ali": Yes, the former Iraqi Minister of Information. The Mets have never really had a true "homer" for an announcer, so it's high time. You can imagine the possibilities: "And Phillie pitcher Cole Hamels realizes the Met line-up is too strong. It's already 5-0 and he's yet to throw a pitch. In his shame and humiliation, Hamels stabs himself on the mound as Reyes enters the batting box."
5. The Guy on those anti-smoking ads they show 10 times a game, the one with the hole in his throat: He-can-talk-in-that-robotic-voice-he-uses-after-he-takes-the-shower. When-he-announces-nothing-will-be-the-same-again. Not-even-the-simple-things.
6. Super 'Stache: Get him in the booth on days he rests. Valentino & Keith in the same booth, swapping grooming tales, discussing their techniques for nights on the town, may never be topped (by the way, check out Willie's 'stache some time. Check it out closely; you'll see what I mean).
7. Len Dykstra: Could this possibly be anything less than completely entertaining? At least for one game.
8. Simon Cowell: "That was the worst swing I've ever seen. If I have to watch one more at-bat by this guy, I just may get sick." And if we're lucky, Darling'll invoke the spirit of '86 and get into a brawl, kicking Simon's ass all over the booth.
9. Bobby Valentine: The only man who accomplished more than Lastings Milledge in his major league career. Between stories about his own brilliance, what he would have done if he were managing, and how amazing and smart he is at everything, Bobby would probably be really informative and extremely honest. So long as he wasn't talking about himself.
Not to mention, if he sports the duct tape and sun glasses get-up, we satisfy the "Maximum Moustaches" thing the Mets are clearly going for this season.
10. Mackey Sasser: Just because. Plus, as an added bonus, think of the fun we'll have watching him struggle to "throw it back to you, Howie."
posted by Mike at 6:57 AM
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