WEREN'T "THE TERRORISTS" THE ENEMY UNTIL RECENTLY?

In his continued effort to completely ignore the comprehensive responsibilities of Chief Executive, President Bush logged yet another day in his "Wetbacks & Gays, Go the Hell Away" Tour of the nation. Since Tuesday was a Gay Marriage day, you guessed it, Wednesday he was back to immigration. Repeating his standard & ironic insistance that immigrants "learn English," the President reached further into his saddlebag and pulled out the "American Values" card.

"One aspect of making sure we have an immigration system that works, that's orderly and fair, is to actively reach out and help people assimilate into our country. That means to learn the values and history and language of America," Bush told the incredibly bored gathering of reporters. "For instance, these immigrants think ya gotta work hard to make ends meet. They don't understand our credit card & personal debt system. They save what they earn, sometimes not spending anything for months at a time. Well I got news for you, Mr. Immigrant. Americans don't . . . they don't put it under the mattress. They don't save for rainy days. They don't, ya know . . . save under the mattress or anything. They spend . . . like it's a sunny day."

Republican Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum, said that "these immigrants, like their allies the homosexuals, want to destroy everything America values. If the cultural terrorists have their way, 'apple pie, baseball & mom' will become 'leechie nuts, futbol, and Aunt Fred.' Fight to save America!"

Democratic Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, refused to comment until she saw what the polls & focus groups indicated. The other Democrats said they'd be happy to comment, once the President and "all the other Republicans" were safely out of earshot.

Self-proclaimed "immigration expert," Jose Narujo, also spoke to reporters after the President's speech. "This exemplifies the President's lack of cultural sensitivity," said Mr. Narujo, who very deliberataly pronounces his first name as "ho-SSAY," despite his perfect use of English. "He needs to understand that immigrants don't need to learn or aculturate themselves to anything you gringos do."

When a few reporters asked him if perhaps it wasn't in the immigrants' best interests to assimilate into their new society, Narujo burst out laughing, telling them, "New Society? Are you crazy? Half these guys have no interest in meeting any Americans other than the guy who pays them! This money your President says they save? Unless save is English for 'send every cent back home,' he doesn't know what he's talking about."

Finally, we were once again lucky to bump into Capitol Building Sweepers, Juan Rodriguez & Chang Min-Shao, both of whom spoke with us following passage of the "Sweeping Omnibus Immigration Reform Act" a few weeks ago. Asked what he thought of both Mr. Bush's and Mr. Narujo's comments, Mr. Chang said merely that "I just want earn money, work hard. No problem no one. My learn English, my child learn school. American happy place."

Mr. Rodriguez was of a more mixed mind: "The President's so full of shit it comes out of his ears, man. He don't even know anything about how average guys live, no? And that fancy-talking Narujo cabron? Puta madre, he has his head so far up his own ass, he sees brown spots in his sleep. My mother & father? They're back in Oaxaca, and so is my sister. Her husband goes back and forth, that's true, and he sends all the money home. But my wife, and my kids? They live here, working, going to school. Narujo? Chingado ignorante, talking like he knows every Mexican in the U.S. I bet he's never met an immigrant except the guy who cleans his pool."