Tuesday, June 06, 2006

APOCALYPSE WOW

As the calendar turns to June 6, 2006 (the notorious 6/6/6), fears of the Anti-Christ's arrival have unfortunately been realized. The Beast has indeed showed up, in the form of a Ukranian lioness, who mauled one of God's worshippers at a Kiev zoo.

According to Reuters, this latter-day disciple of Christ shouted "God will save me, if he exists," as he lowered himself by a rope into the veritable lion's den. Soon after approaching the lions, one "went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

"I am the Anti-Christ," said Olga, a 12 year-old lioness brought to Kiev from her native Botswana in 1995. "And this moron, this dolt, thinks God's gonna save him? Bahhh! With the eternal battle that's gonna start up today, he actually thinks big, bad Jehovah's thinking about him? I got news for him, God exists all right, but he doesn't get himself too worried about retards who climb into lion enclosures at the zoo! Jesus! Though he did taste pretty good. All that vodka in his system really tenderized the meat."

Since the release 1900 years ago of the sensationalistic bestseller, The Revelation of John, religious scholars and everyday wackos have contemplated the arrival of the Anti-Christ. The appearence, after nearly two millenia is both unexpected and exciting to biblical scholars.

"This is just astonishing," Simon Peters told us in a pretentious British accent, while sitting at his desk at Cambridge University's School of Archaic Theology. "According to Revelations 13:1-2, the Beast should appear with 'ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns upon its horns,' but while awaiting further examination of this lioness, it does appear that she has but one head, and more notably, no horns at all."

"The part that I find fascinating," said Myrhhia Frankincense, clutching rosaries as she held back tears, "is that Daniel, not Revelations, contains the story of the lion's den. I'm so confused. I've got my apocalypses all jumbled up. Hail Mary, full of grace . . ."

According to Rabbi Shlomo Glickstein of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, "They're all mechugga, I tell you. Every last one of them. A lion? He talked to the lion as he killed himself? This is why my people left the Ukraine."

Mohammad al Akbar, the self-proclaimed Mullah of the curiously-named, "Bad Ass Mosque" told us only, "Oh, the anti-christ's coming. But he's no lion."

Finally, completing the sampling of religious experts, Bhatti Sundhu, of Delhi said that, "we, too, have a figure with ten horns, seven heads & ten crowns. Plus six arms, eight breasts, three penises, and an elephant's trunk. But she's not evil, she's quite benevolent actually."

Olga, likely to be charged in a Ukrainian court, an Eastern Orthodox litergical court, as well as a U.N. tribunal, seemed calm in the face of all the charges: "What? I'm gonna get worried because these . . . these mortals think they can, what do you call it? Convict me? I'm the goddamn Anti-Christ! I've been around since the earth began. I'm not going anywhere."

4 Comments:

Anonymous Barry said...

That got me started off on the right foot, today, Mike. Now that I have your quick summary of apocalyptic awareness etched deeply in my memory, I'll be prepared to go forth, confident that 'the end is nigh,' verily. Your Hindu goddess sounds very interesting . . . benevolent, eh?
Thanks for a good ROFLMAO entry.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mike:

What really grabs my fancy is that the vaunted 06-06-06 is not even an original occurrence. This happened once before, and was even better 'cause the numbers REALLY worked.

Back in the 20th Century the dreaded date was June 6, 1966. On that date portents would signal the coming into this world of the Anti-christ. Think about the symbology: born on that date, the aforementioned Bad One would be, exactly, 33 years of age by June 6, 1999, ready to usher the anti-crucifixion and the anti-resurrection by the strike of the clock of the year 2000. How many ways can you spell 'perfecto'? He would have started his ministry of evil by 30 (id est, 1996) and by the putative turn of the century ('cause us cognoscenti KNOW that the 21st century really started on Jan 1, 2001) would be ready to take over at 33, just when JC did back in the day.

Guess what happened? A whole bunch of nothing. Even Y2K was a snore.

But, since American collective memory lasts all of, maybe, two months, the new and improved 06-06-06 is back in vogue. Despite the fact that it doesn't have even a slice of the appeal of the perfect numerology of 6-6-66, and doesn't coincide with any millenial change, putative, or otherwise.

Cheers,

Jorge

10:04 AM  
Blogger DED said...

That guy was doomed the moment he said, "...if God exists...". By demonstrating his doubt about the existence of God, he pissed off the Man Upstairs.

"Whaddya mean if I exist. Screw you buddy."

Or maybe God is a fan of the Darwin Awards.

Now if we could only convince Pat Robertson to try and use his massive leg press strength to attempt a cage match with those lions.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

"Now if we could only convince Pat Robertson to try and use his massive leg press strength to attempt a cage match with those lions."

Don't underestimate your abilities. Challenge him; he may take the bait. Word on the street is Robertson's quite vain about his leg press strength.

11:14 AM  

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