THE CONSTITUTION: DEFINING SEPARATION OF POWERS . . . AND SEX PARTNERS, FOR 217 YEARS & COUNTING

Upon learning from staff that previous efforts to lob balloons filled with hot air into America's town squares have failed, President Bush has moved on to Plan D, known inside the Administration as "Wave the Fag Flag." That's right, back from hibernation, the Federal Marriage Amendment is back. Keeping American safe from it's greatest threat yet: gay people who want to live together "officially."

"Homosexuals have always lived in The Closet, and The Closet votes blue," the President told reporters. "Their promotion of 'Core Anti-American Values' serves to undermine everything we've worked for as a nation."

Asked for specific examples of those core anti-American values, the Chief Executive answered only, "Well the, you know, Gay Agenda. Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. And since it's been the unwritten policy of my entire term in office to undermine those goals at every turn, that's not a bad thing to start working for, now is it?"

Insisting that there's a broad consensus in America to protect the institutions of marriage and overarching Executive Power, the President added, "Unfortunately, activist judges and some local officials have made an aggressive attempt to redefine marriage in recent years. I mean, these judges, who are they? They weren't even elected. If you're not gonna follow the Constitution right, you might as well scrap the thing altogether, right."

Democrats correct noted that this was nothing but an appeal to social conservatives whose votes were key to Bush's re-election" and that "Senate floor time is being wasted on the issue." Nonetheless, when asked by reporters what they planned to do in response, Congressional Democrats look confused, and John Brunkleheim of Wisconsin asked, "What do you mean, 'do'? I thought we were prohibited under the Patriot Act to oppose Presidential policies."

Martha Northrop, a fellow Democrat representing Oregon, seconded him, adding, "Yeah, what good will we be able to do if the Republicans attack us? You want us to lose in November?"