ECLIPSE OF SANITY

Recognizing that he was falling behind in the all-important Shrill Pronouncement Gap, the Pope yesterday joined a growing list of world figures in decrying the Global Attack on the Family. According to Reuters, the Vatican just released a 60 page treatise entitled, "Family and Human Procreation," despite the ironic fact that its nominal authors are non-procreating, closeted gay men.

In addition to the standard laments regarding gay marriage, abortion and "lesbians wanting to have children," the Vatican also labeled these threats "the Eclipse of God," and went on to hysterically declare that "the family today was more endangered than at any time before in history."

A few reporters at St. Peter's Basilica asked if perhaps the deaths of 50 million during the Second World War, or 75 million as the Black Plague ravaged Europe, didn't present just a bit greater threat to the family. Violently pounding the podium, the Pope said "this has nothing to do with race," explaining that Catholicism is growing faster in Africa than anywhere else. He also immediately excommunicated the querulous reporters, damning their souls to eternal perdition.

Upon hearing that the Holy Pontiff upped the ante so effectively with his "Eclipse of God" statement, a visibly angry President Bush told the White House Press Corps, "Oh, he said that, did he. That copycat. Well, if he says gay marriage, and, ya know, all that other stuff, is the Eclipse of God, then, ya know, I think activist judges, and Al Qaeda, and illegal immigration are the Eclipse of . . . well, they're the Eclipse of God, too."

Responding to a question asking him if maybe the economy, showing very significant declines in the past few weeks, was a greater danger than gay marriage or other "cultural issues," the President said, "Well, I know y'all wanna keep talkin' 'bout the economy. I wanna talk about the economy too. But, don't ya see, things are going great there. Y'all wanna make it seem like we have problems, but the American people know the economy's showing growth, growing smoothly . . . and, well, it's growing, ya know. But gay marriage is gonna eclipse God. And, God Bless America, we can't let that happen."

Bush declined to join the Pope's additional descriptions of "Women's rights, including birth control, orgasm, education & free speech" as "The Meteorite of God," nor would he agree that "the insidious & parasitic virus of International Jewry" was "The Black Hole of God."

"Nah, plenty of women & Jews vote Republican. They're ok," he replied, giving the thumbs up sign. "But what'd he say about immigrants? And terrorists?"