FAMILY, FREEDOM, & VALUES, OH MY

Suddenly recognizing that the triple-wammy of Quagmire in Iraq, a shaky economy, and the least popular sitting President in over 50 years will probably doom their chances in the November elections, House Republicans have finally broken out the much-rumored Doomsday Device: The "American Values Agenda," which calls for a series of wasteful Congressional votes on "abortion, guns, religion and other priority issues for social conservatives."

According to House Speaker Dennis Hastert, "Radical courts have attempted to gut our religious freedom and redefine the value system on which America was built. We hope to restore some of those basic values through passing this legislative agenda and renewing our country's commitment to faith, freedom and life."

Apart from snickers hearing Hastert use the word "gut," reporters remained remarkably serious & sober-minded upon hearing the GOP leader actually use the words "freedom" and "values" twice in two sentences, especially since neither seemed to relate to the proposed agenda.

Roy Blunt of Missouri, the House Majority Whip added that, "Family, faith, patriotism and hard work bind us together as Americans. Our laws should reflect those priorities, and House Republicans are committed to the American Values Agenda, policies that stress the core values on which our nation was built."

Anne Kravitz, reporting for the Iowa Examiner, asked Representative Blunt about the agenda: "You cite 'family' and 'hard work' as 'core values,' Mr Blunt. Can you explain how the 'American Value Agenda' promotes these 'values' more than any other election year push we've seen in the past?"

"That's a great question, Anne," Blunt answered, shooting a quick glance towards his handlers. "We believe in values. Darn, you might even say we value them. In fact, we value those values so highly, we've integrated them into a values-driven agenda. The House Republicans are going to give the American people top value for their vote come November. Excellent question. Anyone else?"

Howard Clemson, senior reporter for the North Dakota's Bismarck Sun, asked Blunt about proposed legislation regarding abortion: "Congressman Blunt, legislation under the 'American Value Agenda' would require abortion-performing doctors to inform prospective patients that the procedure 'will cause pain for the unborn child.' My question to you is, how do you know this? Have you spoken with any fetuses?"

"That's pretty funny, Howard," Blunt said, eyes blazing as he stared at his handlers. "You must be angling for a spot on that Colbert Report show. But to answer your question, no fetus has spoken to me. Only The Lord has. Any other questions?"

Joseph Hargrove, writing for the Daily Oklahoman, asked Blunt, "You and Speaker Hastert mentioned abortion, guns and religion. Are there any other 'core values' included in the 'American Values Agenda'?"

"It's great that you ask that, Joe," replied Blunt. "Because I was talking with Senator Santorum about that just this morning. We chatted about a few other items, and we're probably going to introduce some joint House-Senate bills over the next few months. I can't go into detail, but I can say we're looking at the Flag, Jesus Christ, American Pride, Terror, Gay Marriage, Stem Cell research, Illegal Immigration, and Communism."

"Communism, sir?" Hargrove followed up.

"Well, that's a great question, Joe," Blunt quickly replied, looking at his notes and mouthing something scornfully to his handlers. "Communism is finally absent from America's schools, churches, stadiums and theaters. But without the fight of freedom-loving Americans who valued freedom and values, that scourge might still be with us. So Senator Santorum and I will help to keep it at bay. Thank you all."

After the press conference ended, reporters questioned Hillary Clinton about the agenda as she strode down the Capitol steps. "Values?" she asked, apparently dumbfounded at the question. "I value me. Vote Hill in '08."