WARNING: THIS LIFE MAY END RESULTING IN DEATH

This Reuters piece tells of a consumer group's law suit against KFC, based on the fast food giant's use of trans-fats and saturated fats in its cooking oils. Apparently believing that fast food and capitalism are so bad that companies should try to convince customers not to spend money on their products, the group's complaint says that KFC "does not properly warn, disclose or even tell consumers that they are eating food items prepared with the worst oil available."

KFC can live or die, succeed or fail, survive or thrive, as far as I care, but that doesn't make this lawsuit any less outrageous. I think I'm gonna bring my nearly-dormant lawyering skills back out of mothballs, and file a series of similar "consumer group" complaints:

1. Against the airline industry for failing to note on all websites, advertisements and boarding passes that "it is possible that you will perish in a ghastly inferno after your plane plunges to earth from 35,000 feet";

2. Against the film industry for failing to note on all marquees, newspaper ads and trailers that "the film you are about to see is 87% likely to contain a recycled plot, 68% likely to have dialogue so inane you'll laugh even though no joke is being told, and 74% likely to suck in its entirety";

3. Against global beer, wine and liquor manufacturers for failing to warn that "consumption of this beverage will cause sensory impairment, plus is likely to bring about feelings of grandiosity, boastfulness, extremely loud talking, and is 43% percent more likely to cause you to do something really stupid that you'll regret the next day, than if you drank nothing at all";

4. Against the Federal Reserve for failing to include warnings on the face of U.S. dollars telling the bearer that "this note is legal tender for all debts public and private, but due to inflation, will devalue by X% every year until it's worth nothing at all";

5. Against Law Schools for failing to warn incoming students that "23% of you will become shameless shysters, bringing expensive and frivolous suits against defendants that have done nothing wrong."