THEIR GOOSE IS COOKED (IF NOT FORCE-FED)

According to A.P., Chicago, the erstwhile "City of Big Shoulders" known around the world for it's blue-collar toughness & midwestern sensibilities, has banned the sale of foie gras, and forbids smoking in nearly all public places. As if this wasn't enough, city leaders from the unofficial capital of Prohibition-Flouting back during the 20's are considering legislation that would restrict the use of trans-fats in fast food cooking.

Jack Cravocic, our insider on Lake Michigan's shores, has been kind enough to let us in on a few of the other plans city aldermen have in store for Chicago. Let's take a look, shall we?

1. Changing the Un-official title from "Second City" to "Third City." According to Waldo Cranshaw, 54, a 23-year member of the city council, "this move would help to shatter the image of Chicagoans as rough-necked, back-room dealers, what with our history of gangsterism and union boss shakedowns. All Americans know that Los Angeles is the second largest city in the nation now. By voluntarily ceding the title to them, we can show everyone the 'New Chicago,' a place that's sensitive and honest." Asked if the town would become the "Fourth City" if and when Houston passed it, Cranshaw answered, "of course."

2. Outlawing Beef. "Nothing symbolizes old-time Chicago like the stockyards, right," Delroy Bradford, 39, another member of the council asked rhetorically. "Not to mention the image of fat guys eating meat created by George Wendt & Chris Farley on SNL. This law would change that view, a view that many Chicagoans find offensive. Plus, combined with the trans-fat measure, we can start cutting into our enormous collective waistline, second only to Houston on that count as well."

3. Selling The Chicago Bears To An Out-Of-Town Investor Who'll promise To Move The Franchise. Bradford continued, explaining that the "fat SNL rib-eaters" fostered an image of men that are "not only obsessed with beef," but with professional football as well. "We have world-famous symphonies, haute couture, continental chefs, art galleries and some of the best darn coffee you'll ever want to try here in Chicago. But all anyone ever wants to talk about is 'Da Bearse.' They're not even that good."

4. Decaffeinating All Coffee. When asked about this measure, in light of his inclusion of "the best darn coffee" among Chicago's charms, Bradford explained that he was speaking of "the taste, not the effect."

5. Finally, although still in its nascient stages, the city council is considering the elimination of "The Loop," or "The L," as the famous elevated trains in downtown are called. "We've determined that the residents of Chicago don't really like the elevated trains," Marcia Young, 32, of the North Side told our reporter. "They think they like it, but they're incorrect. In reality, it harms their hearing, harms their skin, and harms their self-image in that it presents our town as overly industrialized. That's the 'Old Chicago.' We have New American cuisine and Japanese hybrid cars now. Who needs The Loop?"

Windy City, indeed. If that breeze from City Hall is wind.