YOUR FEDERAL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

Demonstrating once again the belief in his dictum that America's way of life is not negotiable, Vice President Dick Cheney brought cheers and whoops from rednecks everywhere, when he showed up this weekend at both of Florida's Festivals of Fuel-Wasting & Fun: NASCAR & NASA (the "4FNAS2" Tour). In a rare twin-dip for the portly & cardio-challenged recluse, "Buckshot Dick," as he's known among friends, party-members, and hunting companions, showed up via Airforce II Saturday at Daytona Speedway for the "Pepsi 500," before heading to the Kennedy Space Center.

"America's way of life is as multi-faceted as it is non-negotiable," the second-in-command explained to reporters, still weezing & gasping from walking down the plane's ramp. "And not just the burning of high-octane racing fuel, or in launching relatively unsafe space missions for billions of dollars. It's also about winning highly-contested elections in 'swing' states like Florida."

After Airforce II buzzed the race track, adding hundreds of gallons of aviation fuel to the thousands already wasted during the race, the shuttle launch, and in the cars of the throngs that drove to watch both, Cheney rode into the arena in a specially-contracted, hybrid golf cart.

"I love being here at Daytona," the VP told 150,000 wildly cheering people gathered for the event, "and I can see you all enjoy it too. It's great to see proud Americans supporting their country on this weekend where we celebrate independence: buying baseball caps, eating hot dogs -- yeah, grab me one; no not that one, the big one . . . yeah that's it -- burning petroleum. Excellent. But if you really want to see American profligacy in action, you've got to go to NASA, and I'm off there next."