ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS IN ONE BLOG ENTRY
Today I begin a new running entry (or one that you'll never see again; I'm unpredictable that way): News Bits.
News Bits, you say? Yes, News Bits. (Say it over-and-over again, and I bet it begins to sound either foreign or pornographic. You decide which.) Little snippets of news-worthy factoids and informatidbits from around the globe. So, with no further ado, today's News Bits:
1. McDonalds, responding to attacks declaring that its food promotes health problems such as heart disease, obesity, & diabetes, has announced the introduction of the American fast food industry's first ever meatless burger, The McNothing.
According to company spokeman, Dave Westerbrook, the McNothing will contain lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and special sauce on McDonald's famous Sesame Seed Bun. Cheese will be available for an additional charge.
2. New Hampshire, known for its slogan "Live Free or Die," has decided after a statewide referendum to be neither Red nor Blue this election year. Instead, citizens of the Granite State are requesting that from July 4 through Election Day, all mainstream media news outlets call it an Orange State.
Responding to questions as to why they chose orange, as opposed to, say, green, yellow, mauve or even tartan plaid, New Hampshire Legislator Dick Weggershaw said, "If you have to ask, you'll never know. And if you ask, I'll kick your ass."
3. Argentine authorities have reported that an unidentified man living in Buenos Aires "has not watched one minute of the World Cup so far." Reports that he will be deported, jailed, or even executed have not been confirmed. Nevertheless, Juan Recoleto, our insider in Argentina, tells us that "large percentages of Buenos Aires' population spent the evening banging pots and pans outside their windows, the traditional sign of mass disapproval. Fearing a revolt, the government may have no choice but to sacrifice the guy."
4. The U.S. Treasury Department released a new set of figures today indicating that the economy has never been healthier: inflation, unemployment, interest rates, and fuel costs are all said to be "at their lowest levels since 1881," while GDP growth, the S&P 500, tax revenues, and housing starts are "the highest in recorded history, so high in fact, that we can't even view the number on a standard calculator."
When questioned about the apparent paradox these numbers create, Harold Gross, a Treasury Department spokesman chided us, telling us that "you can't bury yourself in the minutae of the individual metrics. Just look at the big picture and you'll see all the positive signs."
And finally . . .
5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced that they will adopt the entire nation of Mozambique. "Angelina & Brad think they're so special cause they adopted that kid from . . . that other African place," Holmes told us. "Well, Tom and I aren't satisfied with saving one baby with flies around its head. We're gonna save everyone in the whole country, including the flies."
When asked if he could name the country he planned to adopt, Cruise was unable to recall, but he did inquire as to whether we saw MI3.
News Bits, you say? Yes, News Bits. (Say it over-and-over again, and I bet it begins to sound either foreign or pornographic. You decide which.) Little snippets of news-worthy factoids and informatidbits from around the globe. So, with no further ado, today's News Bits:
1. McDonalds, responding to attacks declaring that its food promotes health problems such as heart disease, obesity, & diabetes, has announced the introduction of the American fast food industry's first ever meatless burger, The McNothing.
According to company spokeman, Dave Westerbrook, the McNothing will contain lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, and special sauce on McDonald's famous Sesame Seed Bun. Cheese will be available for an additional charge.
2. New Hampshire, known for its slogan "Live Free or Die," has decided after a statewide referendum to be neither Red nor Blue this election year. Instead, citizens of the Granite State are requesting that from July 4 through Election Day, all mainstream media news outlets call it an Orange State.
Responding to questions as to why they chose orange, as opposed to, say, green, yellow, mauve or even tartan plaid, New Hampshire Legislator Dick Weggershaw said, "If you have to ask, you'll never know. And if you ask, I'll kick your ass."
3. Argentine authorities have reported that an unidentified man living in Buenos Aires "has not watched one minute of the World Cup so far." Reports that he will be deported, jailed, or even executed have not been confirmed. Nevertheless, Juan Recoleto, our insider in Argentina, tells us that "large percentages of Buenos Aires' population spent the evening banging pots and pans outside their windows, the traditional sign of mass disapproval. Fearing a revolt, the government may have no choice but to sacrifice the guy."
4. The U.S. Treasury Department released a new set of figures today indicating that the economy has never been healthier: inflation, unemployment, interest rates, and fuel costs are all said to be "at their lowest levels since 1881," while GDP growth, the S&P 500, tax revenues, and housing starts are "the highest in recorded history, so high in fact, that we can't even view the number on a standard calculator."
When questioned about the apparent paradox these numbers create, Harold Gross, a Treasury Department spokesman chided us, telling us that "you can't bury yourself in the minutae of the individual metrics. Just look at the big picture and you'll see all the positive signs."
And finally . . .
5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced that they will adopt the entire nation of Mozambique. "Angelina & Brad think they're so special cause they adopted that kid from . . . that other African place," Holmes told us. "Well, Tom and I aren't satisfied with saving one baby with flies around its head. We're gonna save everyone in the whole country, including the flies."
When asked if he could name the country he planned to adopt, Cruise was unable to recall, but he did inquire as to whether we saw MI3.
posted by Mike at 12:45 PM
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