CONRAD BURNS . . . OR MONTGOMERY BURNS?

Now I'm not claiming to know anything about this guy, and I'm certainly not gonna weigh in on his politics, his party, his personal life, or even his chances of reelection. But after skimming through this AP piece on Montana Senator Conrad Burns, and the latest of what seems to be an embarrassing string of verbal gaffes, I will say this is the kind of utter cluelessness that once again allows me to say, "Kick These Bums Out in November."

Apparently, Senator Burns told firefighters -- firefighters who came from Virginia to help put out wildfires east of Billings -- that they "did a piss-poor job." Apparently, those particular fellows weren't up to the standards of firefighting demonstrated by Burns, after he spent three days sweltering amidst the flames, digging ditches and spraying water.

Yeah, right.

And you know what? This isn't the first idiotic move by Burns. In addition to the conspicuous fact that Burns is "already facing questions about his ties to convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff," he has a history of opening the hole in his face in the most inappropriate manner. To wit:

* In 1994, while noting that living among a large black population in the nation's capital constituted "a hell of a challenge," Burns repeated a tale including the word "niggers."

* He asked a woman wearing a nose ring what tribe she belonged to.

* In 1999, while giving a speech regarding oil prices, Burns referred to Arabs as "rag heads."

* Although he denies it, a flight attendent claims he told her she could "go home and be a mother" if she lost her job.

Now I'm the last person to get all up in arms over language. I think we, as a nation, take way too much "offense" at every verbal slight. The nose ring comment -- in a vacuum -- is almost funny. But with this Burns idiot we have (a) a pattern of verbal foolishness which, more importantly, (b) indicates an obtuse man not worthy of a seat in the federal government. We all laugh at Senator Stevens and his silly comment about the internet's "tubes." But that, alone, ain't the problem. The problem is that the very same moron senator seeks out -- and receives -- pork barrel money to build bridges to nowhere.

Laughable cluelessness masks real cluelessness about the responsibilties of public office.

So as to Senator Burns? Kick him out. He's too doltish, too out-of-touch, too unconcerned about the working, tax-paying people he supposedly represents. I don't care if he's a Republican. I don't care if his opponent's a Democrat. All I know is that any adult over the age of 20 (let alone over the age of 30, as required for service in the Senate) who says this crap is unfit to hold office.

While we worry about Israel, Mel Gibson, Iran, Fidel, and Bush's vacations, the nation's purse strings (and ostensible checks on Executive Power) are in the hands of self-interested, insulated clowns who think the internet's made of tubes, who build bridges to nowhere, who insult firefighters, who have nothing better to think about than whether we can start calling "Freedom Fries" French Fries again. Why do want these people representing us? Why do we keep sending them back to Washington to waste our money, to continue leading the country into disaster, to keep ceding power to the real monsters in the Adminstration?

And we are now Three Months away from midterm elections that will all-but serve as a national referendum on where we've been, where we are, and where we're going.

Kick The Bastards Out.