Wednesday, January 03, 2007

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, THE AMAZING ROBERTSO

Shortly following his annual visit from The Almighty (also known as the annual chugging of Patty's Famous New Years Eve Blotter Acid Punch), American religious fanatic Pat Robertson lets fly with his 2007 predictions! Among his visions for the coming year:
Robertson said God told him during a recent prayer retreat that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September. "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he told his "700 Club" audience on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
Something like that. The Lord creates the heavens and the earth, makes America the City on The Hill that shines forth like a beacon for all the world to behold, and speaks to Pat Robertson every year juuuuuuuust make sure his Christian flock knows where to vacation to avoid terror attacks . . . and yet, he cannot be specific on the manner of destruction that will kill and maim "millions of people."

Maybe it's not the Lord who spoke to you, Pat (or the Blotter Acid Punch either). Maybe it's . . . SATAN!!! Or maybe Pat's just crazy, dumb, and evil.

And how'd he do last year on his omens, oracles, portents, prophesies? Among Robertson's predictions for 2006:
God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami would crash into America's coastline.

Despite what would seem to us ordinary mortals as a terribly botched prediction, Robertson is no ordinary mortal! He speaks to The Lord. Robertson offered "last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England" as evidence of a partly fulfilled prediction. "I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways.

15 Comments:

Anonymous John Royal said...

Hey, Pat, did the Good Lord tell you which major cities were going to be destroyed? I mean, I go to New York every year, and if that place is going to get hit again, I'd really like to know so that I can change my travel plans -- and possibly, my employer. And is Vegas on the list, because, well, I didn't have much luck at the Craps table last time there, so I'd really like to see those bastards get it. And what about San Francisco, is God going to take out that city because of all the gay people -- or because of that Barry Zito contract?

Come on, how 'bout specifics? I've got travel plans to unmake.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

That's what I'm talking about, Jon. This Amazing Robertso & his friend, this Jack Lord guy, they gotta give us more info.

You know, I'm gonna let you in on something I figured out after an evening of calculations and analysis. I think he's making it all up. I don't think god even writes or e-mails him, let alone talks to him.

11:00 AM  
Blogger Ed in Westchester said...

To paraphrase the great Sam Kinison - "Take your fucking medicine Pat and you'll stop seeing 900 ft tall fucking Jesus'"

(Sam was actually speaking about Oral Roberts, but, if the mania fits...)


Now, I have no problem with people of faith (I personally feel there is a higher power, and his name ain't GWB), but when they listen to shitheads like this, it makes my head spin. Pat is thisclose to being like the Imam's that issue Fatwa's.
And to think, this is GWB's base.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Hellasious said...

Ah, excuse me Pat, sir I mean,...can you please, kindly explain to me how american theocracy is different from the other kind? You know, the one that we are currently combating in Iraq and Afghanistan?

I am well aware that this is America and such comparisons are extremely invalid, but since you speak with The Boss, I just wanted to hear it from Your, er His, lips.

faithfully yours..

Hell as you is.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Hellacious-

I believe he answers questions only if addressed as The Amazing Robertso.

Or as Jeezie-Weezie's Little Schnookums.

1:14 PM  
Blogger DED said...

Pat Robertson makes for a lousy travel agent. I wish God would fire him already.

2:19 PM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

It wasn't acid, we were doing Peyote.

For fun I thought I'd read to him select passages from Footfall by Larry Niven, as interpreted by 'Teaser the Talking Border Collie Mix'.

I can see how he got a little confused.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

Why is his god warning him? Since they are so close, why doesn't Pat ask his god to stop the devastation from happening?

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Pat Robertson makes for a lousy travel agent. I wish God would fire him already.

I guess heaven's like Germany or France: hard to fire anyone. That damn Spiritual safety net! God's such a softy. He's gotta let this Welfare Preacher go and make him earn his own way.

why doesn't Pat ask his god to stop the devastation from happening?

It's the peyote.

8:12 PM  
Blogger Thrillhous said...

Dick Cheney has a pretty good track record as a hunter. Sometimes he misses too. And shoots people in the face.

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

And shoots people in the face.

Does the missed shot go through the roof of houses in Freehold, NJ?

(Shameless associative link to today's post.)

10:00 AM  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

Is he praying or is he constipated? And how could we tell if prayer was the result of emotional constipation?

8:19 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Is he praying or is he constipated?

Both. He's praying for The Lord to give him some moral fiber. This prayer has gone unanswered for 37 years now.

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

"moral 'fiber'"!!

Love it.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Why, thank you.

Glad someone appreciates my horrendous puns and other such jokes.

12:05 PM  

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