SO YOU WANNA BE AN AMERICAN?

So according to A.P., the test for United States Citizenship is changing. Instead of just a series of questions testing the applicants' rote memorization skills, the new test apparently will "make applicants think about questions." Because thinking is such a valued skill in 21st century America. For example, one of the questions will ask, "What does the judicial branch do?"

Interesting. The article gives three sample answers -- "reviews and explains laws," "resolves disputes between parties" and "decides if a law goes against the Constitution" -- but those are incorrect. The correct answer on the 2007 America Citizenship Test to the question, "What does the judicial branch do?" is "Elect the President."

I'm lucky enough to have seen a few of the other questions, and I give you a sneak peak. Hmmm, let's see, which one? No, too easy. No. How about this one:

14. The Constitution is . . .
a. America's chief legal document
b. George Bush's favorite toilet paper since Charmin went to "quilted."
c. A symbolic piece of parchment that looks really impressive as a background for websites, museum displays, and televised news stories.
d. One of three props in Dick Cheney's "White House Basement Satanism Festivals."

Damn, that is difficult. It does require thinking. It's got the "trap" answer, the one people get tricked into choosing (a), plus a couple that seem correct even if you're not sure (b) & (c). But since Bush doesn't shit from his anus, preferring to eliminate orally/verbally, (b) is also a trick question, & (c) makes the false assumption that "televised news stories" acknowledge the Constitution. The answer, therefor, is (d).

How about this one, this is tricky:

25. America is . . .
a. The City on the Hill
b. The Beacon of Freedom for the World
c. An ass-kicking military powerhouse
d. The force behind most of the world's economic growth

Damn, that's freakin' hard! A lot of people will answer (a), but that's clearly wrong: America is a country, not a city. Dumb-ass immigrants, learn the fucking language! And "Beacon of Freedom" can't be correct because it's a metaphor, and Americans don't understand or use poetic devices and all that shit. What is this, the British citizenship test? Finally, (d) looks good, but is incorrect: American-owned global corporations are the engine of economic growth. The correct answer is (c). It doesn't say anything about whose ass gets kicked.

Hmmm, no that's an easy one. How about this one, looks pretty tough:

71. Frederick Douglass was . . .
a. A slave
b. An abolitionist
c. The NBA's first superstar
d. One of three props in Dick Cheney's "White House Basement Satanism Festivals."

Once again, this is hard. In this case, because two answers are correct, it's just a matter of finding the best one. (b) is obviously wrong, partly because controversial topics like gay marriage, contraception, abolition, and other types of baby-killing don't belong on citizenship tests. A lot of folks would be tempted to answer (a), but that's because the damn liberals are always trying to blame the past. Slavery ended over 500 years ago people, when George Washington signed the Emaciation Promulgation. And while (c) & (d) are both correct, (d) isn't as good, because Cheney likes to keep things secret if he can. (c) is the right answer. And Frederick Douglass jerseys are on sale in the front of the testing section. They're available in red, white & blue; in black; in purple; and in honor of Black History Month, in red, yellow & green. Please buy one on your way out.

80. American Citizenship is . . .
a. A privilege
b. A right
c. Something we grant to mud people and heathens to supply cheap labor from time-to-time
d. Purely symbolic at this point, and we can & will take it away when we feel like anyhow.

Ok, that one was easy, I'll admit. I just wanted to show you that not every question was a brain-twister. (a) & (b) are obviously wrong because they deal with abstractions, and that kind of crap. What is this, the goddamn French citizenship test? And (c) looks correct, but it more accurately describes American policy about "illegal immigrants," something those taking this test understand easily. (d) is right.

Finally, let's look at this one:

94. The Executive Branch is . . .
a. The scientific term for the largest limb on an oak tree.
b. The name Americans use to describe the Noble Greatness of their Emperor.
c. One of the Three Parts of the Federal Government as defined in the Constitution
d. Coming to whack you over the head, motherfucker.

Man, they don't get any easier, do they? (d) is right, but is it as right as the others? No, so it can't be the correct choice. (a) may be right, but it sounds like science, and we Americans don't do that shit. Again with the foreign. What is this now, the Japanese Citizenship Test? (c) uses that term "Constitution," which we discovered in question 14 was a prop for the Vice-President's "White House Basement Satanism Festivals." Will you wacko-leftists stop with the obsession with Cheney & the White House basement already!

The correct answer, of course, is (b). Now please go to the swearing-in room, to take the oath of citizenship upon the picture of the glorious Emperor. And be prepared to give your fingerprints, your photo, a sample of your hair, an imprint of your face, and 1 oz. of either saliva, genital secretions, stomach acid or sweat. Thank-you, and please proceed.