Thursday, April 20, 2006

NEWS FROM NORTHERN EUROPE

Following news that Olav Heyerdahl, grandson of Kon-Tiki helmsman Thor Heyerdahl, will reenact the original reenactment of a quixotic journey to the South Pacific on a balsa raft, Norway has been struck by "Reenactment Fever," known as Reenaktimentenschriftengraf, in its native Scandinavian tongue.

A burly, blond fellow, identifying himself only as Knut the Brute, paused from some 3 AM sunbathing to tell us, "it's very cool, everyone is doing it," in that Norse accent we Americans find so amusing, overemphasing the "oo"portion of "cool" and "doing."

Among the notable missions planned is that of Lars Gruffennils Wodinsson, an Oslo banker proud of roots going all the way back to the Norwegian Viking, Erik the Red & Danish King, Sven Forkbeard. "We plan to reenact an attack of the British Isles, complete with 17 Viking ships," Wodinsson informed us from his desk, decorated with miniature battle axes, horned helmets, and flagons of mead. "Although actual raping and pillaging are, unfortunately, out of the question, we will storm the rocky Irish coast, burn a church, and terrorize some nuns. We'll probably raid a pub and steal a couple kegs of Guinness too."

Sweden, with its policy of strict neutrality, has already stated that it will not condone any such "adventures." Danish plans to reenact the Crusades, culminating in a frontal assault on the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem, have not been confirmed, despite numerous supportive editorials & cartoons in conservative Copenhagen tabloids. Icelandic chanteuse Bjork Guddmandsdottir told us she knew of no raid & conquer missions originating from her island nation, but offered to scream dischordantly and "do a very, very strange dance for you."

We declined her offer.

Finally, Finnish representative Makki Niiminuuminen, talking with us while sitting completely naked in a sauna, insisted that "we Finns are of an entirely different racial and linguistic stock than those Nords. We didn't do that sort of thing. In fact, while the Swedes, Danes, and Norsemen were sailing the seas in those damn dragonboats, we were fighting for our existence against Sweden and the Russians. Who has time for frolic and excursion when your survival's at stake?"

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