RAISE YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RE SURE . . . THIS IS THE MOST IDIOTIC RESEARCH EVER CONDUCTED

From the "I'm Not Quite Sure What To Do With This Information" Files, we learn from a Proctor & Gamble-sponsored study, that Phoenix is "the sweatiest city in the United States, but Miami topped the list as the most uncomfortable American city due to its mix of humidity and heat."

So . . . that means I should buy extra deodorant when I head to Arizona? Avoid Europeans? Thank god that Patrick Ewing never played for the Suns?

Should I bring an extra seat cushion when I visit South Beach? Order comfort food at Little Havana restaurants? Does a Cuban Sandwich count?

By the way, if you've never had a Cuban Sandwich, run out and get one now. So good -- ham and roasted pork, cheese, pickles, on pressed and toasted bread, mmmmm -- I may have to take a break now and just think about one. Anyhow . . .

Makes me wonder what other studies we can conduct involving secretions and other nasty bodily functions: "The pissiest beer in America"? "The shittiest food in the land"? "The Teariest Movie"? "The Saliva-est Cuban Sandwich in the Western Hemisphere"?

Saliva-est? Pretend I didn't write that.