DECIDING WHAT'S BEST, ONE STEP AT A TIME

Declaring it an "inconvenience that's gettin in the way of the War on Terror," President Bush today released a new "Signing Statement," dissolving the judicial branch of the United States Government.

"We're fightin a war," the Chief Executives told a throng of anxious reporters gathered in the White House lawn this morning. "I've tried to tell y'all that those unelected judges in the Court, in the Supreme, ya know, Court, are unelected, and they're gettin in the way of the prosecution of this war. On terror. So, for the good of all Americans, I'm gonna have to eliminate them."

While the signing statement calls for Justices Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Roberts, as well as Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, to take previously non-existing seats in the U.S. Senate ("Pocket Senators"), the five remaining Supreme Court Justices and 96.4% of all other Federal Judges are ordered to "retire immediately."

Asked by reporters if such a move was constitutional, the President fairly bristled, answering aggressively, "Constitutional? We're in a war. A war against a foe that knows no bounds of, ya know, of decency, of modern . . . decency and understanding. These guys are evil. They wanna destroy us, ya know what I'm saying? I gotta let the American people know I'm gonna protect them and their way of life. Mr. Gonzalez here tells me that the Constitution makes me the Commander-in-Chief. I gotta make the tough calls, I gotta make the decisions."

Recognizing the importance of this decision, a few brave reporters pressed on. Grover DeWitte, of the Madison Gazette asked the President if "this is not a frontal assault on 217 years of American governance?"

"There y'all go again. I didn't attack any frontal assault on America. The terrorists started this. Those evil doers that y'all are so concerned about, that y'all wanna be so protective of . . . of their rights, ya know, they mean us harm, ya understand? I got to let the American people know their President's gonna protect em."

Jessica Cantonni, covering the story for the Santa Fe Journal asked Bush "without a Federal Judiciary, who's going to insure that due process is observed in the prosecution of federal law?"

"That's what we got a Congress for," Bush snapped.

"Then why not let Congress decide whether to eliminate a branch of government?" Cantonni shot back, surprising the President & remaining members of the White House Press corps, unaware that they were permitted to ask follow-up questions.

Looking sharply at Secret Service Men before speaking, Bush calmed down and told her, "Congress has decided. They're still allowin freedom of speech and freedom of, ya know, of the press. Y'all still got your freedoms. The Constitution's not going anywhere. 'Cept maybe to Gitmo."