THE EVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED

Intelligent Design "scientists" and scholars are furiously devising responses to recent revelations that Darwin's famous Galapagos finches are once again evolving.

"God is obviously testing us, but we'll prove that it's consistent with our theory," said noted Intelligent Design Expert Gregory Jasper, 43, from Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina. "The smug scientists who mock us don't realize that we, too, have our own so-called Scientific Method. But ours was developed by God, himself, and it adds the element of Faith. Observation, Inference, Hypothesis, Testing, Faith."

Saarhoos Venderssen and Pradrithran Sihmdharm, 32 & 51, who shared the Nobel Prize for Biology in 1999 for their research into evolution, declined to address Jasper's methodology. "This is not science," said Sihmdharm, waving his hand disdainfully. "This is hoodoo."

"It's woodoo, too," Venderssen added, before Sihmdharm corrected him, explaining that the correct pronunciation is "voodoo."

When questioned, God, 4,324,861,543, of Heaven, tried to disassociate himself from the Intelligent Designers: "I don't know why these wack-jobs keep invoking my name when they spout forth with their crackpot theories," a clearly weary Eternal Father told us, swigging a cold beer while reclining with three rather fetching female angels on a throne of clouds. "Evolution, and all natural phenomena in fact, have nothing to do with me. I just wanna chill up here, with the other souls. What goes on down on Earth is none of my business. Those birds are doing whatever it is they're doing on their own. I couldn't give a damn about them. And, believe me, I can give a damn if I want to."