40 SECONDS IN THE DESERT
Upwards of 250,000 celebrities, wannabees, groupies, and hipsters of all nationalities have plunged into a "Spiritual Void" upon hearing the news that Esther, known previously as the pop star Madonna, is considering cutting her ties to Kabbalah.
"It's like a tragedy. I'm kinda lost now, you know," Britney Spears told us, as she waited naked on all fours as her photographer completed his shots. "I've worshipped Madon-- I mean Esther for so long now, I need to know what she's doing next. Do I still call her Esther?"
Earnest Francis, a 34 year-old "performance artist, club-goer & entrepreneur" spoke to us through tears as he clutched a copy of the Zohar, the so-called "Book of Light" used by serious Kabbalah adherents, as well as by poseurs like him. "I think I may just have to leave the country for a while," Francis said, his voice a repository for affectations, incongruous accents and haughty tones. "Esther isn't just our Kabbalah spiritual leader, but even in her manifestations as Madonna, we look to her for guidance, both spiritual and materialistic. I mean, like what wristband am I supposed to wear? Lance Armstrong retiring and Madonna leaving Kabbalah?"
We also spoke to Meyer Dupinsky, 78, a noted Kabbalah scholar who's studied in Prague, Vilnius, New York and Jerusalem. "Vat? Madonna? Vat are you tahkink about? A shicksa? Madonna? Isn't that the mudda' of that Jeezuz Kreizdt? The vun who made it all so bad for us so many years ago? This is vat vee need now? Anudda' Jeezuz Kreizdt mudda vee need vid her believes about a precious son? Thees is a good tink for da' Jews?"
Finally, a spokeperson for Madonna, Inc. informed us that "the Spiritual Mother" was actively searching for her next "source of inspiration." Because the Beastie Boys already used the Dalai Lama, Madonna is reportedly looking into the mystical branch of Islam known as Sufism.
"She's gotta make a decision soon," Susan Hillary, 19, of South Bend, Indiana told us. "America's youth need spirituality and faith, and without Madonna to guide us, we'll be, like, lost."
"It's like a tragedy. I'm kinda lost now, you know," Britney Spears told us, as she waited naked on all fours as her photographer completed his shots. "I've worshipped Madon-- I mean Esther for so long now, I need to know what she's doing next. Do I still call her Esther?"
Earnest Francis, a 34 year-old "performance artist, club-goer & entrepreneur" spoke to us through tears as he clutched a copy of the Zohar, the so-called "Book of Light" used by serious Kabbalah adherents, as well as by poseurs like him. "I think I may just have to leave the country for a while," Francis said, his voice a repository for affectations, incongruous accents and haughty tones. "Esther isn't just our Kabbalah spiritual leader, but even in her manifestations as Madonna, we look to her for guidance, both spiritual and materialistic. I mean, like what wristband am I supposed to wear? Lance Armstrong retiring and Madonna leaving Kabbalah?"
We also spoke to Meyer Dupinsky, 78, a noted Kabbalah scholar who's studied in Prague, Vilnius, New York and Jerusalem. "Vat? Madonna? Vat are you tahkink about? A shicksa? Madonna? Isn't that the mudda' of that Jeezuz Kreizdt? The vun who made it all so bad for us so many years ago? This is vat vee need now? Anudda' Jeezuz Kreizdt mudda vee need vid her believes about a precious son? Thees is a good tink for da' Jews?"
Finally, a spokeperson for Madonna, Inc. informed us that "the Spiritual Mother" was actively searching for her next "source of inspiration." Because the Beastie Boys already used the Dalai Lama, Madonna is reportedly looking into the mystical branch of Islam known as Sufism.
"She's gotta make a decision soon," Susan Hillary, 19, of South Bend, Indiana told us. "America's youth need spirituality and faith, and without Madonna to guide us, we'll be, like, lost."
posted by Mike at 3:14 PM
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