Tuesday, August 22, 2006


Breaking News:

According to Federal Aviation officials, air marshalls delayed an American Airlines flight from Atlanta to Phoenix after passengers became frightened at the presence of "scary, dark people" in seats 13A, B & C. After a 45 minutes delay, the three "scary, dark passengers" voluntarily left the plane, which taxied & took off 10 minutes later.

Rajeev Jawadhan, 41, of Athens, GA, told our reporters that he decided to leave the plane with his wife, Deepa and his 19 year-old son, Mark, after realizing the other passengers were so frightened, the plane would never leave the ground.

"My son is student at Univerity of Arizona, and my wife and I were flying there to see him back for junior year," Jawadhan explained. "My wife wants to go to Grand Canyon. But other passengers thought we were Muslim! Muslim, bahh! I am Hindu. Such an insult."

According to Shirley Johnson of Acworth, GA, "We all saw three scary, dark people talking to each other. One of them, the youngest, kept staring at a few of the female passengers & at one of the flight attendents. Plus, he spoke perfect English while the older ones had heavy middle eastern accents. We thought that was suspicious and reported it to the captain."

"I tell you those three scary, dark people were terrorists," said Fred Borneas of Atlanta. "I used to work in intelligence when I was in the Army, in Germany. Lotta Arabs and other Islams in Germany. And Turkeys too. I know em when I see em. These three were scary & dark, and they were terrorists."

The air marshalls to whom we spoke, on condition of anonymity, told us the only solution to this growing problem: "Segregated flights. When people book their flights they'll need to check a box similar to that on the census form: white, black, hispanic, other. If someone checks the box for 'dark & scary,' they'll fly on a separate plane. To be on the safe side, 'other' should go on the alternate flight too. Of course that plane will probably fly only once every couple days, and'll cost more, but that's the way it is. Otherwise, take the bus."

The Greyhound spokeman to whom we spoke told us that plan would be fine, so long as "the dark, scary people sit in the back."


Anonymous nyhmr said...

Saw the same thing happened on a British flight on another blog.

I'm concerned because I am dark and scary and speak another language. I hope people can realize that it is Spanish and not freak out.

I guess no more checking out the hot chicks in the airport.

11:31 AM  
Blogger Otto Man said...

I just flew back from LA this Sunday, sitting in the front row of coach right where the flight attendants congregate, and so I got to witness some fun.

The flight was overbooked, and they were looking for people to take a later one. This ordinary looking white guy with a bar-tshirt, a beard, and a guitar case volunteered and got off. Fairly normal.

But some guy near him rushed up -- twice! -- to note that the guy had been acting weird. No details, no evidence, just thought the musician was weird and we were all going to die because of it.

We'd gone through a thorough security screening in the terminal (where I saw an inch-long listerine spray thing get tossed) and then a platoon of National Guardsmen searching all carry-on bags at the gate.

But, oh no, Jimmy Buffett is going to kill us all.

I have to go now, CNN is blaring the words TERROR TERROR TERROR over and over again, and I must piss myself in patriotic fear.

4:40 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Now imagine if he was a scary & dark musician with a beard and a gee-tar.

Kim Thayil's not getting on too many planes, I'd think.

4:45 PM  

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