REASON # 467 TO HATE DONALD TRUMP

No, it's not that he names everything he owns after himself. Nor is it his hair. Nor that I have to walk past one of his glittering phallic cathedrals guarded by a white gloved-wearing doorman as I stroll to work every morning. Nor his bloated ego and over-blown sense of self-importance. Not the fact that he acts like some model of business success and brilliance although most of his projects go bankrupt and he got a multi-million dollar headstart from his father either. And it's not even that I lost $120 at one if his stupid casinos when my friends and I went to AC one night at the Jersey shore in the summer of '94. Those are reasons # 16, 312, 3, 56, 207, and 132. # 467 is different. And new.

This time, it's his fake sanctimoniousness. And fake paternalism. And fake concern. And fake good citizenship. Even though he's only after the money, to some degree, and his name in the press to an even larger degree. This time, I hate Donald Trump because of the way he humiliated some silly college girl who won the Miss USA Pageant (I know that's redundant, but let's just roll with it, ok?). With a Hat Tip to . . . well, about 64% of all blogs on the internets, check some o' this shit out:

Donald Trump gave Miss USA a reprieve Tuesday . . . In a moment of television drama filled with redemptive tears and longing looks, a tough-talking Trump, co-owner of the pageant, turned soft and decided to forgive Tara Conner for her debauched behavior.

What a guy. He's such a sweetheart underneath it all. Oh, and the debauched behavior in question?

Conner won the title in April and moved to New York. Since then, she has partied hard, admitting she frequented clubs, where she threw drinks back — despite being underage.

My stars, think of the children! The wanton hussy! She threatens the fabric of our society, that wild bitch! First it's underage drinking, then before you know it she'll be doing lines off the felt of a blackjack table at the Trump Taj Mahal and sucking the Trump Tower™ in the boardroom.

(Which is his long-term goal, I'm suspecting.)

Anyway, Trump was just getting started. In order to retain her tiara, this civilization-threatening Siren will need to:

enter rehab and undergo drug testing.

Rehab. That's right. Because, by his own admission, Trump has:

always been a believer in second chances.

We know Donald. Three marriages, multiple failed ventures, and more bankruptcies than the worst Game Of Life™ player in history tell us as much.

Connor tearily told The Dick Donald that:

In no way did I think it would be possible for a second chance to be given to me. You’ll never know what this means to me, and I swear I will not let you down.

Based on the fact that she will "be able to move back into her swank pad at the Trump Palace," it's pretty clear that Trump is counting on that. And finally:

he also cautioned that if she screwed up again she would be jettisoned. “She knows that if she even makes the slightest mistake from here on she will be immediately replaced.”

What a prince he is. Such a caring heart. Such a magnanimous soul. Such a world-class piece of shit. Let's all say it together: Donald, you're Fired an Asshole.