Thursday, March 08, 2007

THE HOTTEST BALLS AROUND

In today's nominee for "Absolutely Stupidest Thing Of The Year," we learn from A.P. that:
Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals . . . Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment . . . Anderson pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn't catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, splashing some on his clothing. He tried again to light the fire, catching Anderson's genitals, hands and clothes. Anderson ran into the bathroom, jumped into the tub and put the flames out.
Whoa. In my opinion, this beats driving 900 miles while wearing a diaper to question the new girlfriend of the man you've been stalking. It's close. But this one takes the lead.

All idiocy ignored, I need to ask why the lighter-sprayer guy was charged with a criminal count. I get no sense that the dude whose balls were burned was an involuntary participant in this foolishness.

(And this gives me the perfect opportunity to drop a reference to a story that needs to be told: maybe his balls would've escaped unharmed if only Greg Maddux was there to piss on him. H/T to Metstradamus for that one. Read the link; it'll make sense.)

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28 Comments:

Anonymous John Royal said...

Ah, if you can't Maddux, maybe Moises Alou will help out (I read once he used the Maddux substance on his hands to help grip the bat.)

9:57 AM  
Blogger Mort said...

A some guys in a small town northeast of Tulsa built a fire and set a keg o beer on top of it. Apparently they had the idea there was a pressure relief valve which would create a geyser of beer. They stood on the porch, waiting, watching. Nothing. They go inside and a few minutes later they keg blew up in an explosion which rocked the entire county. [link]

10:41 AM  
Blogger Mr Furious said...

Jesus. Rookie or no, Maddux deserves to get decked for that one.

Yeah, John, I remember that Alou story as well. Yum. I bet guys were lining up to soft-toss with Mois(t)es...

11:06 AM  
Blogger George said...

I hope Cooperstown puts "The Silent Scumbag" on Maddux's plaque.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

Eat mor chik'in.

http://tinyurl.com/2umpfq

11:53 AM  
Blogger Otto Man said...

For some reason, I'm reminded of the dinner scene in "Top Secret" when he orders the Flaming Hog Balls.

Don't know why.

11:58 AM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

Mort, did they get their deposit back on the keg? :)

12:02 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

So what happens when Alou faces Maddux? Is it a pissing match?

Mort & Weas - Thanks for sharing. Chicken eating cows & exploding kegs fit in nicely with flaming balls (hog or otherwise) and pissing Hall of Famers named The Silent Scumbag.

Ohhhh, it's a fun time when all these threads are combined.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

Hmmmm. It may be dumber that putting on the diaper and driving 900 miles, but I have to disagree that it is dumber than getting caught (and fired for) having put on the diaper and driving 900 miles... and then having the detail about the diaper repeated hundreds of times in the media.

That one's still at the top of my list.

On the other hand, what in the hell made these two guys think they should play this game, I wonder?

12:12 PM  
Blogger Comandante Agí said...

He at least deserves a Darwin award.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

Weaseldog, they probably thought they were going to get their deposit back, until that happened anyway. I brought it up because I thought we were talking about Darwin Awards. Heh heh

P.S. Lest anyone think this was just a stunt some stupid Okies would pull, this guy was killed by an exploding keg in Connecticut.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

On the other hand, what in the hell made these two guys think they should play this game, I wonder?

Kelly, that's the one that has me scracthing the old noggin.

Mort & Agi - Nice. Did you guys both mention the Darwin Awards simultaneously?

12:21 PM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

There is a downside to not teaching kids how explosives work.

One of our favorite past times as kids was to put a pipe into a burning drum of garbage, then drop aeresol cans into it.

We were smart enough to stand back a ways.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

They are probably fans of the movie, 'Jackass'.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

I hadn't read his post when I wrote mine, so, yes, I guess we did. Flaming genitalia tends to bring Darwin to mind. ;-)

12:25 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

Hey Wease, did you do the WD-40 flamethrower thing too?

12:28 PM  
Blogger Mr Furious said...

Come on, no love for Moistes Alou? That is gold!

12:35 PM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

WD-40, bug spray, hair spray...

Life was more fun when aerosals were flammable and every kid had a bag of firecrackers stashed behind a dresser drawer.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Kelly said...

Oh, great. I just visted the article link and realized that these two do-dos did this right here in my own state (Wisconsin).

Way to go, guys.

Like the media doesn't already love to jump on the dumb-Wisconinites stories enough already.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

Yeah, I always kept a stash of firecrackers. The scary thing about aerosols, if you throw them in the burn barrel when they're mostly empty sometimes they don't go off. Then you are left wondering. However, half a can or so of hairspray always made for a good show, very reliable.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Come on, no love for Moistes Alou? That is gold!

Does this mean what I think it means? If so, well done.

Kelly -

I thought Wisconsin jokes drew attention to cheese & sausage intake, as well as comensurate cholesterol & weight gain? Shows what we elite easterners know.

Mort & Weas - So that's what the kiddies do in Oklahoma & Texas, huh?

3:51 PM  
Blogger Weaseldog said...

Between chores, there can be a lot of free time for country boys to fill.

It can take all day to get from sunrise to sunset.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Comandante Agí said...

Just one minute apart. Nice!

5:28 PM  
Blogger Mort said...

Mort & Weas - So that's what the kiddies do in Oklahoma & Texas, huh?

Yeah, I guess. When we weren't poking each other with sharp sticks or throwing mud clods at one another. Of course them Texas kids is probly worse about thet then us good Okies.;-)

5:45 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

poking each other with sharp sticks or throwing mud clods at one another

Ahhhh, we had plenty of that. It's just we don't have those fireworks stores all over the place like you guys have. First time I traveled to the South, I couldn't believe all the places selling nothing but fireworks.

Sunrise to sunset doesn't seem to be enough time to hit all the stores in one town.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Otto Man said...

First time I traveled to the South, I couldn't believe all the places selling nothing but fireworks.

One of the greatest things about my homeland.

And the basis for the classic joke: What's a redneck's last words? "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

11:06 PM  
Anonymous Toast said...

See, now I would have gone with "Great Balls Of Fire" as a post title.

6:51 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I would have gone with "Great Balls Of Fire" as a post title.

That would be the standard choice, I'll grant you. But I have to be me!

(Actually, I just didn't think of it, if you can believe it. PSoTD linked to me using a title along those lines though.)

6:56 AM  

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