Thursday, June 19, 2008


Chinese officials have apparently decided to cave to . . . well, I'm not sure if they're actually caving to anything except centuries of western hegemony, and during this summer's Olympics will re-name dozens of traditional food dishes to appeal to foreign tastes & sensibilities.

In other words, if you're hoping for some "husband and wife's lung slice," for-get it, home slice. You'll just have to stick to the old tried-and-true "beef and ox tripe in chili sauce."

Which sounds only approximately 0.03% less revolting than husband & wife's lung slice, and suddenly not at all curiosity inducing.

Additionally, don't even think of strolling the food stands of Beijing looking for "bean curd made by a pock-marked woman" during these Olympics, Mr. Foo-foo Food Man. Ain't gonna find it. Instead you'll just have to order mapu tofu like you do at Empire Szechuan or Hunan Garden at the local strip mall.

Mapu tofu, by the way, for those of you not familiar with it, is essentially small blocks of somewhat soft tofu swimming in a puddle of fiery-hot chili-pepper oil. I like it, but as you all know, I'm crazy. I'd even like it if a woman without pock-marks cooked it up; I'm open-minded, baby. That's how I roll.

Finally, if you have a hankering for that long-time classic of Chinese cuisine, "chicken without sexual life," you my friend are out of luck. It'll have to be the boringly-named (and in all likelihood, boringly-prepared) "steamed pullet" in the summer of '08.

Meanwhile, I'm almost certain that "chicken without sexual life" is the nickname my friends secretly gave me during freshman year at college after witnessing my far-wall-shuffle at frat parties.

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Blogger Smitty said...

Empire Szechuan or Hunan Garden

Dude. Every town in American has a Chinese restaurant named at least one of those two names. I never realized it until it was in your posty and I caught myself saying " did he pick out 2 names that are in east Lansing..."

Oh, wait. They're ALL named that!!

9:35 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

That's my role in life.

7:24 PM  

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