Tuesday, July 15, 2008

CHRIS BERMAN GIVES JOSH HAMILTON A SLOPPY BLOW-JOB. GOD REJOICES

For those of you who missed last night's Home Run Derby (brought to you by a consortium of State Farm Insurance, Partnership For A Drug-Free America, Partnership For An Atheist-Free America, and Partnership For A Tattoo-Free America), let me briefly recap 10 things that we saw, that we learned, and that made me vomit 13' 7'' across my room, covering 84% of my TV screen in one shot:

1. Josh Hamilton is the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, aka, The Hallowed Ground where Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle slew the dragon, established our constitutional republic, and never whored around or got smashingly drunk.

2. Before he became the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, Josh Hamilton did heroin, did crack, got tattoos, banged broads, killed puppies, worshipped Satan, hung out with Muslim terrorists, bought Celine Dion records, pissed on Joe Dimaggio's monument, and even ate hamburgers seasoned with salt substitute and non-Heinz ketchup.

(Which he spelled "catsup.")

3. Then he found The Lord, asked three cosmetic surgeons if they could remove his unsightly & blasphemous tattoos, and had a bizarre dream about Babe Ruth, Skip Bayless, his 71 year-old American Legion coach, and an appearence in the Home Run Derby.

4. This dream also included the mass execution of the world's Atheists. Every one of the 143 Atheists in the world were killed by being forced to stand directly in the path of one of Josh Hamilton's majestic home runs.

5. Justin Morneau does not exist. He simply is not among the humans on earth. He doesn't hit home runs, he doesn't win Home Run Derbies, he doesn't speak to interviewers after winning Home Run Derbies, he is but a figment of the imagination of Atheists.

6. Josh Hamilton wins Home Run Derbies even when he doesn't win Home Run Derbies.

Don't understand? That's because you must be an Atheist.

7. Josh Hamilton is so awesome, amazing, stupendous, & glorious that it takes no fewer than 19 ESPN commentators to commentate on Josh Hamilton's victory in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win.

8. Even though Josh Hamilton is obvious kinda' dumb, as indicated by his decision to unnecessarily hit in the second round of the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, it doesn't matter: He Found The Lord.

9. Chris Berman sucks.

10. We -- and by "we," I mean we "Atheists," of course -- don't need to watch an event and feel our own emotions, follow our own opinions, or decide for whom we are rooting. No need, since we have 19 ESPN commentators telling us what to feel. And we felt, of course, that no one but Josh Hamilton was in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, and we didn't want to watch Justin Morneau (who didn't win the Home Run Derby that he won because he does not exist!) because all we wanted to do was wait for Josh Hamilton to hit again.

I fear that after last night's events, more American are now using heroin than ever before. Question is: have they also gotten unsightly & blasphemous tattoos?

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11 Comments:

Anonymous Applesaucer said...

"ate hamburgers seasoned with salt substitute and non-Heinz ketchup."

Hey, I do both of those things. Not kidding.

Applesaucer

7:34 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Damn atheist.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Why anyone would eat anything but Heinz ketchup is beyond me... I mean, really, how were some people brought up?

But you know what's even worse than not using Heinz ketchup? When you go into a restaurant, and they have Heinz ketchup bottles on all the tables, but you pour it on your burger, take one bite, and know you've been ripped off, they've got some cheapo substitute semi-ketchup-like red substance in there.

Now THAT'S got to be the work of a damn atheist or silly agnostic. :)

8:58 AM  
Blogger fridge said...

bought Celine Dion records

HAHHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!

9:07 AM  
Blogger Smitty said...

Every one of my unsightly, Satan-worshipping tattoos burned under my skin every time Josh Hamilton got up to bat.

I repent, Josh!

9:26 AM  
Blogger DCup said...

Thank goodness the coverage of Hamilton's faith was so prominent. I learned that Jesus preferred wood to aluminum bats. That was info I needed to know.

I mean - are these dickweeds trying to make me hate baseball?

10:32 AM  
Blogger George said...

Gotta watch lines like "Jesus preferred wood." That's how rumors get started.

Anybody else wonder if Josh Hamilton would be such a great story to the media if he looked like Milton Bradley, if you know what I mean?

12:20 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I think we know the answer to that, George.

Bradley is a hothead. But far as I know has never done anything along the lines (as it were) of what Hamilton did. Yet we know about their respective reputations.

6:53 AM  
Blogger DED said...

Makes me glad that I gave up baseball in the 90's.

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go screw yourself if you think think that babe ruth didnt get drunk...your a dumbass. Josh Hamiltons story is truly one of how powerful the lord is...

10:51 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Did the power of the lord tell me to go screw myself, or was that Satan temporarily taking over?

As to the Babe Ruth comment, all I can say is, gee you're really dumb, aren't you?

6:34 AM  

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