CHRIS BERMAN GIVES JOSH HAMILTON A SLOPPY BLOW-JOB. GOD REJOICES
For those of you who missed last night's Home Run Derby (brought to you by a consortium of State Farm Insurance, Partnership For A Drug-Free America, Partnership For An Atheist-Free America, and Partnership For A Tattoo-Free America), let me briefly recap 10 things that we saw, that we learned, and that made me vomit 13' 7'' across my room, covering 84% of my TV screen in one shot:
1. Josh Hamilton is the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, aka, The Hallowed Ground where Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle slew the dragon, established our constitutional republic, and never whored around or got smashingly drunk.
2. Before he became the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, Josh Hamilton did heroin, did crack, got tattoos, banged broads, killed puppies, worshipped Satan, hung out with Muslim terrorists, bought Celine Dion records, pissed on Joe Dimaggio's monument, and even ate hamburgers seasoned with salt substitute and non-Heinz ketchup.
(Which he spelled "catsup.")
3. Then he found The Lord, asked three cosmetic surgeons if they could remove his unsightly & blasphemous tattoos, and had a bizarre dream about Babe Ruth, Skip Bayless, his 71 year-old American Legion coach, and an appearence in the Home Run Derby.
4. This dream also included the mass execution of the world's Atheists. Every one of the 143 Atheists in the world were killed by being forced to stand directly in the path of one of Josh Hamilton's majestic home runs.
5. Justin Morneau does not exist. He simply is not among the humans on earth. He doesn't hit home runs, he doesn't win Home Run Derbies, he doesn't speak to interviewers after winning Home Run Derbies, he is but a figment of the imagination of Atheists.
6. Josh Hamilton wins Home Run Derbies even when he doesn't win Home Run Derbies.
Don't understand? That's because you must be an Atheist.
7. Josh Hamilton is so awesome, amazing, stupendous, & glorious that it takes no fewer than 19 ESPN commentators to commentate on Josh Hamilton's victory in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win.
8. Even though Josh Hamilton is obvious kinda' dumb, as indicated by his decision to unnecessarily hit in the second round of the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, it doesn't matter: He Found The Lord.
9. Chris Berman sucks.
10. We -- and by "we," I mean we "Atheists," of course -- don't need to watch an event and feel our own emotions, follow our own opinions, or decide for whom we are rooting. No need, since we have 19 ESPN commentators telling us what to feel. And we felt, of course, that no one but Josh Hamilton was in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, and we didn't want to watch Justin Morneau (who didn't win the Home Run Derby that he won because he does not exist!) because all we wanted to do was wait for Josh Hamilton to hit again.
I fear that after last night's events, more American are now using heroin than ever before. Question is: have they also gotten unsightly & blasphemous tattoos?
1. Josh Hamilton is the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, aka, The Hallowed Ground where Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle slew the dragon, established our constitutional republic, and never whored around or got smashingly drunk.
2. Before he became the awesomest, amazingest, stupendousist, gloriousest human being ever to walk onto the hallowed ground of Yankee Stadium, Josh Hamilton did heroin, did crack, got tattoos, banged broads, killed puppies, worshipped Satan, hung out with Muslim terrorists, bought Celine Dion records, pissed on Joe Dimaggio's monument, and even ate hamburgers seasoned with salt substitute and non-Heinz ketchup.
(Which he spelled "catsup.")
3. Then he found The Lord, asked three cosmetic surgeons if they could remove his unsightly & blasphemous tattoos, and had a bizarre dream about Babe Ruth, Skip Bayless, his 71 year-old American Legion coach, and an appearence in the Home Run Derby.
4. This dream also included the mass execution of the world's Atheists. Every one of the 143 Atheists in the world were killed by being forced to stand directly in the path of one of Josh Hamilton's majestic home runs.
5. Justin Morneau does not exist. He simply is not among the humans on earth. He doesn't hit home runs, he doesn't win Home Run Derbies, he doesn't speak to interviewers after winning Home Run Derbies, he is but a figment of the imagination of Atheists.
6. Josh Hamilton wins Home Run Derbies even when he doesn't win Home Run Derbies.
Don't understand? That's because you must be an Atheist.
7. Josh Hamilton is so awesome, amazing, stupendous, & glorious that it takes no fewer than 19 ESPN commentators to commentate on Josh Hamilton's victory in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win.
8. Even though Josh Hamilton is obvious kinda' dumb, as indicated by his decision to unnecessarily hit in the second round of the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, it doesn't matter: He Found The Lord.
9. Chris Berman sucks.
10. We -- and by "we," I mean we "Atheists," of course -- don't need to watch an event and feel our own emotions, follow our own opinions, or decide for whom we are rooting. No need, since we have 19 ESPN commentators telling us what to feel. And we felt, of course, that no one but Josh Hamilton was in the Home Run Derby that he won even though he didn't win, and we didn't want to watch Justin Morneau (who didn't win the Home Run Derby that he won because he does not exist!) because all we wanted to do was wait for Josh Hamilton to hit again.
I fear that after last night's events, more American are now using heroin than ever before. Question is: have they also gotten unsightly & blasphemous tattoos?
Labels: Hamilton Used Heroin (And Got Tattoos) But He's Ok Cause He Found God, Jose Reyes Is A Bad Guy Cause He Does Home Run Dances, Understand?
posted by Mike at 6:40 AM
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