Friday, May 25, 2007

SAY IT AIN'T SO

Three recent news items left me scratching my head, wondering what kind of world we live in. Developments that send me into metaphysical tizzies, questioning humanity, the state of nature, and the very world in which we live. From least-to-most serious:

1. This first one is so bizarre, so Onion-esque, so completely inexplicable, I'll just reprint the lede, and then see if I can make head or tails of it:
New York's famed Saks Fifth Avenue department store plans to open a shoe department so big it has been granted its own ZIP code, 10022-SHOE
No, that's not an 800 number, that's the ZIP Code. And you know what? I'm still not getting it. Apart from the sheer preposterousness of a privately-owned shoe department with its own Zip Code, other questions seep in. Among these:
* Who sends mail to a shoe store? Are the Manolo Blanecks so great they're receiving fan mail? (Yeah, I know I probably misspelled it. Good.)

* Will Saks have its own Post Office inside this massive shoe department? Will we see Al Bundy & Newman working in close proximity.

* Will this start a new trend? ZIP Codes and post offices inside book stores, adult video stores, sports arenas. Many possibilities, each more repulsive than the last.
* And, most importantly, when the hell is a major department store gonna run with my idea? A sports bar, right inside the store. Your lady shops and does whatever it is she does, and you drink beer and watch the game. It's win-win, and the store makes even more money. Why this hasn't happened is beyond me.
Anyhow, send your letters of concern to Saks at its new ZIP Code. Now, as the stories get even more serious, I'll need to insist you remain seated. If you need to use the rest room (and you will), please do so before we begin.

2. In one of the three or four most shocking pop culture developments of my lifetime (up there with Mark David Chapman shooting John Lennon, Sylvester Stallone making a 6th Rocky at 60 years-old, and Katie Holmes in The Gift -- hey, shocks can be good, right?), I've discovered that none other than former Limp Bizkit frontman & professional asshole, Fred Durst, has directed a coming-of-age movie called The Education Of Charlie Banks, starring Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri.

No, I did not make up one thing in that sentence. It's all true. He is a board-certified member of the American Association of Assholes, Susan Sarandon has a daughter named Eva Amurri, and she is starring in, and apparently doffs most if not all of her clothing in, a film directed by Fred Durst.

Aiiii-eeeeee-aiiii!

Even more strange? It was apparently very well-received at the Tribeca Film Festival.

The world might as well just end. It can't go anywhere but downhill from here. First this world-class jackass fronts a crappy band that sells a brazillion albums & plays major rock festivals, then he somehow manages to sleep with 94% of the Hollywood/music industry/modeling A-list, and now he gets the chance to direct a film with famous offspring & other legitimate actors, and then have it screened at Tribeca.

Nah . . . I'm not envious. I just wanna BEAT HIM SENSELESS. Other than that, though, I have no bitterness at all.

3. And, moving along to a story a tad more serious, I read this morning that Congressional Democrats explain that, despite caving faster than a spelunker-on-speed, their fight with Bush over the Iraq War "has just begun."

Can I get a "Are they fucking kidding me?" from the choir. C'mon guys, where's your dignity? I'm reminded of the Black Knight taunting King Arthur in Holy Grail, after the King of the Britains managed to de-limb his erstwhile foe at the foot bridge. Arthur's "What are going to do, bleeeed on me?" about sums it up.

Sheeeet. Well, it should be a nice vacation in Crawford. Wonder if Bush will literally piss on the Constitution & a map of the US during the Memorial Day picnic, or will he use only facsimiles?

We know that both he and the Dems have already pissed on the memory of those who've fallen.

Labels:

11 Comments:

Blogger Rickey Henderson said...

I've heard of malls having their own zip code, but a freaking shoe store? That's kinda unnecessary...

8:20 AM  
Blogger Smitty said...

Your first indignancy, the zip code, confirms the excess that is America. Never mind wondering what I can do as a citizen to end the Iraq war or contribute to charity....look at all these SHOES!!!!!

Your second indignancy is fully seconded, supported and unanimously voted upon as terrible by all 4 contributors to Around the Keg: me, Bob, steves and joel. Fred Durst. Fred fucking Durst.

And your third indignancy is just sad. Bush cowed the fucking majority party in both chambers. He made them buy the rhetoric. What did the Dems get out of it? A $2/hour increase in the minimum wage. What did Bush get out of it? Everything he wanted.

The title to your post, by the way, is one of my favorite Weezer songs.

10:05 AM  
Blogger George said...

Following on Smitty's first comment, "look at all these SHOES!" could be an utterance of our Secretary of State.

I always had the idea that someone should create a bar on wheels--outfit a singlewide and drive around a town picking people up and dropping them off. No one gets a DUI. Everyone gets dropped off at home. And a good drunk was had by all.

As for the Dems, they remind me of our chicken of a greyhound Mookie. When he gets scared of another dog, say a Great Dane (you see, you're not supposed to be taller than a greyhound, it's just wrong), he barks fiercely...and runs away really quickly.

12:50 PM  
Blogger Dwilkers said...

* Who sends mail to a shoe store?

I got stuck right there. How can a shoe store be receiving enough mail (or any at all) to justify it having a zip code?

/boggle

......Wait! Maybe they're paying for it and its for some sort of marketing nonsense? Is that too much to hope for, that the USPS is profiting?

1:36 PM  
Blogger DED said...

Can I get a "Are they fucking kidding me?" from the choir.

Are they fucking kidding me?

That's about all I can say. On second thought, maybe they want fresh corpses for us to think about on Memorial Day weekend.

As the other two, well, that's America during the W years. Expect the insanity.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Comandante AgĂ­ said...

What a collection of oddities. So the Dems are singing the Carpenters "We've only just begun"?

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gifts for assholes at sendahole.com.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

So the Dems are a combination of a scaredy cat (scaredy dog?) greyhound & The Carpenters, huh?

I'm cool with that.

2:58 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Putting a bar in a women's clothing store is a GREAT idea.

I had a very similar thought about a week ago when I had to run to the hardware store. It was late and raining like mad. I realized when I was in ACO that I needed to stop for beer, and then it hit me:

Why don't hardware stores sell beer?

Seems to me that a majority of hardware buyers would be beer drinkers. Plus, what do you want to drink after a hard day remodeling, instaling shelves or plumbing?

Beer of course.

Save me a trip ACO, Home Depot or Lowes...Stock beer!

9:23 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

I have a friend who's a big proponent of the "All food is better with bacon" theory.

And it's hard to argue with him.

I'm a believer of the "All things are better with beer" theory, so I won't even try to argue with you, Bob.

6:21 AM  
Blogger Ed in Westchester said...

I read that the USPS said it is not a real zip code, that it is for promotional purposes only.
Maybe they hope the Sex and the City girls will send love letters to the shoe department.
I find it, unsurprisingly to most I hope, quite fucking stupid in any event.

11:01 AM  

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