SAY IT AIN'T SO

Three recent news items left me scratching my head, wondering what kind of world we live in. Developments that send me into metaphysical tizzies, questioning humanity, the state of nature, and the very world in which we live. From least-to-most serious:

1. This first one is so bizarre, so Onion-esque, so completely inexplicable, I'll just reprint the lede, and then see if I can make head or tails of it:

New York's famed Saks Fifth Avenue department store plans to open a shoe department so big it has been granted its own ZIP code, 10022-SHOE

No, that's not an 800 number, that's the ZIP Code. And you know what? I'm still not getting it. Apart from the sheer preposterousness of a privately-owned shoe department with its own Zip Code, other questions seep in. Among these:

* Who sends mail to a shoe store? Are the Manolo Blanecks so great they're receiving fan mail? (Yeah, I know I probably misspelled it. Good.)

* Will Saks have its own Post Office inside this massive shoe department? Will we see Al Bundy & Newman working in close proximity.

* Will this start a new trend? ZIP Codes and post offices inside book stores, adult video stores, sports arenas. Many possibilities, each more repulsive than the last.

* And, most importantly, when the hell is a major department store gonna run with my idea? A sports bar, right inside the store. Your lady shops and does whatever it is she does, and you drink beer and watch the game. It's win-win, and the store makes even more money. Why this hasn't happened is beyond me.

Anyhow, send your letters of concern to Saks at its new ZIP Code. Now, as the stories get even more serious, I'll need to insist you remain seated. If you need to use the rest room (and you will), please do so before we begin.

2. In one of the three or four most shocking pop culture developments of my lifetime (up there with Mark David Chapman shooting John Lennon, Sylvester Stallone making a 6th Rocky at 60 years-old, and Katie Holmes in The Gift -- hey, shocks can be good, right?), I've discovered that none other than former Limp Bizkit frontman & professional asshole, Fred Durst, has directed a coming-of-age movie called The Education Of Charlie Banks, starring Susan Sarandon's daughter, Eva Amurri.

No, I did not make up one thing in that sentence. It's all true. He is a board-certified member of the American Association of Assholes, Susan Sarandon has a daughter named Eva Amurri, and she is starring in, and apparently doffs most if not all of her clothing in, a film directed by Fred Durst.

Aiiii-eeeeee-aiiii!

Even more strange? It was apparently very well-received at the Tribeca Film Festival.

The world might as well just end. It can't go anywhere but downhill from here. First this world-class jackass fronts a crappy band that sells a brazillion albums & plays major rock festivals, then he somehow manages to sleep with 94% of the Hollywood/music industry/modeling A-list, and now he gets the chance to direct a film with famous offspring & other legitimate actors, and then have it screened at Tribeca.

Nah . . . I'm not envious. I just wanna BEAT HIM SENSELESS. Other than that, though, I have no bitterness at all.

3. And, moving along to a story a tad more serious, I read this morning that Congressional Democrats explain that, despite caving faster than a spelunker-on-speed, their fight with Bush over the Iraq War "has just begun."

Can I get a "Are they fucking kidding me?" from the choir. C'mon guys, where's your dignity? I'm reminded of the Black Knight taunting King Arthur in Holy Grail, after the King of the Britains managed to de-limb his erstwhile foe at the foot bridge. Arthur's "What are going to do, bleeeed on me?" about sums it up.

Sheeeet. Well, it should be a nice vacation in Crawford. Wonder if Bush will literally piss on the Constitution & a map of the US during the Memorial Day picnic, or will he use only facsimiles?

We know that both he and the Dems have already pissed on the memory of those who've fallen.