WARNING! A GANG FROM QUEENS N.Y. IS TRYING TO KILL ME

Best to keep your distance. Last night I tried to have a relaxing evening, sitting on the couch, watching the warm glow of cathode ray emissions. And then a wanton mob of white & latin gentlemen wearing blue, white, & orange pajamas came into my home and beat me senseless. Right in front of my wife.

And the worst part? They told me they'd return tonight, threatening to do the same thing one more time.

Much though I like the company of friends & neighbors, probably not a good idea to join me for a couple days. In fact, the situation is so disturbing, so hellish, so violative of norms of acceptable behavior, maybe you shouldn't even attempt to read about this gang from Queens.

Hey, it's your life. You've been warned.