FANTASTIC FANTASIES AND FANTASTICAL FANCIES

Tag I'm it, huh? This may be the first time I read someone's meme, followed the link to see who tagged him, and then discovered I'd been tagged by the original memer who tagged him.

Or something like that.

Anyhoo, Tracy, proprieter of Bowl of Life, and charming & lovely wife of the decidedly unlovely (but crankily charming) Toast, has tagged me to tell the world . . . uhhh, let's um sorta say, well . . . which five famous woman I'd like to, uh you know . . .

. . . bone like a mad dog and get away with it scot-free based on some sort of unrealistic contract with my wife.

(As opposed to the very realistic opportunity to lay my wily skills upon five of the world's hottest, sexiest, and desirable women. I tell, it ain't easy being me.)

Whatever, let's get to it. My Five babes o' pleasure:

1. Audrey Tautou. Just so friggin' pretty it hurts my eyes to stare too long. Although if pushed to define myself, I'm definitely more of a leg than a breast man (and a nice butt ain't exactly poison to my tastes either), nevertheless I'm just a sucker for the exquisite face. As the remainder of this list will show.

2. Shakira. Of course as I just noted, I have no problem with a nice ass either. Nor with shaking of said ass.

(And her face ain't too shabby.)

3. 1954 Version of Grace Kelly (i.e. Grace Kelly in Rear Window)

Now before any of you give me any shit for picking someone from a particular time window 54 years ago (not to mention with someone who'd been dead for over 20 years), let's examine the premise at work here: a schlub like me not only gets to take a tumble with Audrey Tautou & Shakira . . . but his wife knows about it and thinks it's just cool.

(Don't worry, honey. You just go and sleep with those stunningly beautiful women (and three more of your choosing!) and it's no problem with me.)

So, please. If I wanna pick Miss Assyria from 728 B.C., then that's who I'm picking, all right?

Grace, circa 1954 baby. Whooooo! Like I said, I like a pretty face and they didn't get any purtier than that.

4. Bibi Andersson (circa mid-50's)

What the hell? Since I'm doing this journey into the past thing.

5. Oh, I don't know and I don't even care. After those four I'm gonna be pretty worn out, and frankly I'm getting bored with this whole exercise.

But if I have to pick? Natalie Portman's always in style. Parker Posey suits my "pretty good looking but quirky chick" needs. Michelle Wie fills a bunch of fetishes since she's Asian, 6 feet tall (5'7" of which is leg), and can drive a golf ball farther than I could with 5 swings (or would "strokes" be more appropriate?). Any of 'em will do.