WARNING! EVERYTHING YOU EAT IS TOXIC

Perhaps the best way to approach this from here on out is just to report which vegetables are not infected with salmonella. Or whatever other revolting bacterium is floating within those cell walls.

I can see it. Sort of a color-coded "heightened security level" caution for produce:

Today's color is green. All green vegetables, leafy or not, are infected with ebola, botulism, and syphilis. Eat only tomatoes & jalapeños, which while containing salmonella will not kill you as readily as the green vegetables.

Yuck.