I STILL HATE SHANE VICTORINO

At least when we look back, we can rationalize the Mets' back-to-back collapses by telling ourselves that a Championship team beat them out.

Or we can just feel like shit.

IF A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, IS A CARTOON WORTH $700 BILLION?

(Or isn't it $850 billion now?)

H/T Barry Ritholtz

Anyhow, in a related development, check out this link, an A.P. piece about lobbyists and the gang lining up for their share of the Paulson Pie (H/T Cunning Realist). And as you'll see, this ain't a one-party show. The trough is open and everyone's looking to dig in. Mmmmmm, good. Free money sure is tasty.

SHORT THOUGHTS ON A MATTER OF LITTLE CONSEQUENCE

You know, if I'm Tony Parker, I think it's time to start worrying.

(Of course if I was Tony Parker, I'd be Black, French, an NBA star, and married to a famously hot woman. I'm married to a non-famously hot woman, but that's neither here nor there.* But I'm neither Black, nor French, nor tall enough, talented enough, nor young enough to be an NBA star. Nonetheless, I will forge onward with my opinion.)

Anyhow, if I'm Tony Parker, when I lie in bed at night next to my famously hot wife, at some point my mind will inevitably run through the following syllogism:

1. She obviously digs pro-athletes who appear in, and sometimes win, the championship series of their sport.

2. Major league baseball players are pro-athletes.

3. The World Series is the championship of Major League Baseball.

Uh-oh.

Now, if I'm Tony Parker, my mind may also wander to a couple other unfortunate facts. Namely:

1. Derek Jeter, A-Rod, (and other non-major leaguers like "Handsome" Tom Brady) have parlayed their appearances, and occasional victories, in the World Series into well-documented off-the-field career having sex with A-list actresses, supermodels, international singing stars, beauty pageant winners, and about 84.72% of the other women on earth who qualify as "hot."

2. Evan Longoria is 23 years-old, in the World Series, and on the verge (of not already over the verge) of becoming a really good baseball player.

3. Evan Longoria is but 4 to 7 baseball games (i.e., about 2 weeks) away from embarking on a successful off-field career having sex with about 84.72% of the hottest women on earth.

And . . . if alllllllllll that ain't enough, if I'm Tony Parker I'll acknowledge what I always try to ignore: his last name and all but one letter of his first name are exactly the same as my wife's name!

And then I'll realize, the world of celebrity being what it is, she has no choice but to embark on an affair with the successful young lad little bastard.

But then if I'm Tony Parker I'll also remember that I'm an NBA star who has Eva Longoria on his "resume," figure there have to be at least 4 or 5 super-hot women out there named Tori Parker, and fall back asleep.
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* Yes, that was a "juuuuuuuust in case my wife reads this post" measure. Don't anybody tell you I don't know what I'm doing, huh? They don't call me Dr. Smooooove for nothing.**
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** They don't call me Dr. Smooooove, but if they did, there'd be a damn good reason.

JOE THE PLUMBER, MEET JOHN THE MAVERICK

Well, that ends the debate season. And after three of these spectaculars we learn a few things:

1. McCain is one grumpy, grumbling, stumbling, pissed off old man, ain't he? Yikes. Get off my lawn? Get off my planet is more like it. Someone get this guy a glass of prune juice and the TV remote and then send him down to the VFW to trade POW stories with the other fellas.

2. Obama is cooler than a sled dog's nose. And that matters, in my opinion. I'm still not sure about half of his ideas (they all sound good, but who's paying for them?), but I like his demeanor. He's stays calm in the face of an attack, in the face of a challenge.

And unlike McCain, he's stayed calm over the past few weeks, sticking to his basic plan -- which may suck, but that's beside the point, because . . .

3. They're both largely business as usual. They both supported the Paulson Boondoggle™* for instance.

* Excuse me as I shamelessly go all Posnanski on your asses in this post, but I need to digress and this asterisk-to-an-italicized-paragraph thing that he uses seems just the way to do it. So, over the past few weeks, central banks the world over (including the Fed) had injected billions, if not trillions, of dollars worth of liquidity into the system. And have promised billions and trillions more from treasuries. Yet, markets are down, commodities are down, inter-bank lending hasn't really gone up. Could it be that the banks have said, "gee, thanks for all this mo-nay," and have decided to just . . . sit on it? In other words, do nothing but keep it? Maybe for the good of the bankers themselves? You know, just be greedy? Hmmmm.

Last night both guys offered lots of ways to spend their way into our hearts. But each had one really serious flaw in this plan, beyond the obvious fact that we can't spend as much as they suggest, and neither answered the question of what spending they'd cut.

McCain took the creative (read: insane) tactic of promising to buy mortgages and create jobs as he institutes a complete spending freeze. This, my friends*, is not voodoo economics, it's crazy-ass economics. Ramblings-Of-A-Madman economics.

* Get it? "My friends"? Just like McCain always sa-- Never mind.

Or, you might just call it . . . lying.

Meanwhile, Obama "missed" the chance to offer a surefire way to enormously cut spending, one that dovetails with a centerpiece of his own campaign! And what humongous spending measure is that? What cost could he claim to wanna cut?

The Iraq War! The war he's so firmly against! The war Americans hate! The war that costs something like $10 billion a month! The War that requires an exclamation point every time I talk about it!

But he didn't mention it. Maybe because he's beholden to the defense sector? He demonstrated with his support for the Paulson Boondoggle™ that he's beholden to Wall Street. Maybe not as much as McCain, but still beheld. Perhaps, juuuuuust perhaps, he's got some skin in the game with Big Defense too. He can talk about ending the war, but to directly link it to a cut in spending related to the war and defense? Maybe that's too radical. All that said . . .

4. Obama kicked McCain's ass all over the place last night and throughout this debate cycle. Unless something disastrously disastrous takes place that drives the fearful masses into the figurative arms of a man they think can keep them safe*, this is looking good for Obama.

* Into the arms of the guy who was captured and held prisoner in a war we lost. After he crashed his plane for like the 63rd time. Who is a vocal member of the war-wing of the party in charge when we suffered the worst foreign attack on our soil since . . . 1812. That's the guy who can "keep us safe."

It's looking good for Obama unless the economy somehow completely recovers in the next two-and-a-half weeks and an angel of the lord decends into the CNN studios while Anderson Cooper is having his hair done to inform the American people that John McCain, and John McCain alone, is responsible for the miraculous recovery.

Or unless Diebold and the GOPers perpetrate some massive voting fraud.

(Ooooooooooo, that one perked ya up, huh?)

Otherwise, I think Obama's gonna take this bitch. November 4 here we come.

ECONOMIC SITUATION WATCH

So that Paulsen bailout really did the trick, huh?

ONE THIRD (IF NOT MORE) OF MY FELLOW CITIZENS ARE TOO STUPID TO BE ALLOWED TO VOTE

So the V.P candidate winks and goofs around and thinks "Foreign Policy" is the name of the plan to deport immigrants.*

But she ain't at the top of the ticket.

No. The man at the top of the ticket refers to a United States Senator, a United States Senator who just happens to be running for President of the United States (and is whoopin' his ass), as "That Guy."

Referring to him as "that guy" while he disdainfully points over his shoulder.

(And, if you haven't noticed, "that guy" is {whispering} Black. Makes it even more weird, huh?)

I have a plan to create jobs, save the economy, and preserve the nation on Election Day: begin today building temporary prisons in which we will hold everyone who remains "undecided" or supports McCain. We round them up the morning of November 4, and then they can go free once the polls close. We'll feed them, let them watch TV. They can even have conjugal visits (and birth control!).

What the hell. Let's give them Obama & Osama dartboards to keep them entertained. Anything they want.

But they can't vote.
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* Not true. As far as I'm aware.

But it wouldn't surprise you, would it?

WINKOCRACY, AKA LEADERSHIP BY AVERAGE, EVERY DAY, MAVERICKY HOCKEY MOMS NAMED JILL SIXPACK

Let me briefly say, everyone has his or her opinion as to what he or she likes. And that's fine.

Maybe you like candidates who wink. And make lame jokes. And shout out to 3rd graders.

Or who get modern day military leaders mixed up with long-dead Civil War generals. Perhaps you dig folksy, home-spun corn & cheese. Maybe droppin' the letta' "G" and leavin' off the last letta' a' certain words is the kinda' thing that you look for in a leada'.

You know, some people even like to hear the word "Maverick" repeated like a tired mantra as part of memorized, stale talking points answers to open-ended debate questions.

Whatever turns you on. It's a "free country," right?

But, all that being said, if you watched last night's debate and came to any conclusion other than "Holy shit, Biden cleaned her fucking clock," then you, my friend, are a moron.

(And a liar.)

And you're also someone who's comfortable with the prospects of more executive branch shenanigans. Or did you miss that part about expanding the role of the Vice President in the Senate?